Married By America
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Welcome To The Hellmouth

Our next single is Stephen, who I actually think is a little bit cute until he opens his mouth. Oh, and until I have to watch him spike his hair in the mirror. Ew. He talks about how he wants to meet someone, and how he's really just a tortured soul, and how he used to be a vampire and now he's just seeking redemption. Or, you know, something. He also talks about hanging out with his guy friends and turning into a "horndog." Alert the media. And then he calls being a horndog "empty and meaningless." Which is why, of course, he turned to public electronic voting as a way to introduce depth into the dating process. I mean, he doesn't say that, but it's implied. He tells us he's "a hopeless romantic." Which means, "I am making an effort to date fewer exotic dancers and more girls with library cards." In an interview against a horrible green background, Stephen's sister Paula talks about how awesome he is. He's awesome! Anyway, Stephen wants to meet the love of his life, and so forth. Stephen, come on down and see Sean! Again, we get the "you're a handsome devil, how can you be not meeting anyone?" routine, and again, Stephen feigns humility. He's "tired of the bar scene." So, as noted above, this was the logical next step. Because the bar scene is seriously so shallow. It's not substantive like reality television. Let's hear it for Stephen!

Billie Jeanne. Oh, Billie Jeanne. She has blonde feathered-out-to-there hair and a gold top. And she is the most graceless individual I have ever seen. Even when she's just standing in silhouette, you can see how awkward she is. And she's not even moving! Her little introductory profile is all about how she bartends and goes "woooo!" and can't meet guys because they're scared of the "woooo!" and she just wants to meet her special someone and go "woooo!" with him and have little "woooo!" babies. Wooooo! Oh, and she calls the audience "motherfuckers." And she threatens to kick our asses. But they bleep her out with a red heart over her mouth. That is so sweet. There's some sad music, and Billie Jeanne laments being a strong woman who can't find a guy because no one loves her for anything except her wild, hot bod. Come on down, Billie Jeanne! Sean wants to hump her leg, but he restricts himself to calling her a "firecracker," which makes her bark like a seal. Billie Jeanne says her problem isn't meeting guys, it's sorting through all the guys who want her. She also says, "I want your heart." And she has a melon baller, so don't make her prove she's serious. Let's hear it for Billie Jeanne!

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Married By America

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