Married By America
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Welcome To The Hellmouth

Darcey thinks that being on this show is God's plan for her. But Darcey, God loves us all! She also says she's a "visual merchandising manager." The hell? ["Since my sister got a job at a clothing store last summer, I actually know what that means! She probably designs and sets up the displays in a store." -- Wing Chun]

Kevin G. has recently given up on a career in baseball, because he wants a family. He says, "Love has eluded me." That's a line from a Cole Porter song, incidentally, although I find it hard to believe Kevin G. knows the song. Maybe he just thinks like Cole Porter. And then he says, "Chicks dig me." Okay, he doesn't think exactly like Cole Porter.

Smithy looks like a cartoon character. He's kind of shrimpy, and he's...well, he's named Smithy, for God's sake. He says his parents have the perfect relationship. Moreover, he says he lives in Celebration, Florida, which makes me wonder whether it's one of those Disney towns where everyone has to clip their lawn with nail scissors and wear floor-length bathrobes whenever they walk by a window. ["It is." -- Wing Chun] He says he likes to smile a lot. He is a cartoon character! Or a happy little Disney puppet!

Alessandra is our designated European Woman, and she says her Italian family believes in traditional roles for women. She's been trying to prove that women rule, and this is apparently the thing she thought would be most helpful.

Brian says that if he could change anything about himself, he'd be less of a perfectionist, and have better abs. He has chosen "fun guy" as his persona, so he tries to banter with the audience. The audience is like, "Woooo!," because they have no judgment at all, and are drunk.

Markus is officially The Only Guy Worth Speaking To on this entire show. He says he's managed a sushi bar and was a philosophy major, and he's still looking for "the right fit." He's a little bit too stubbly, but he's far more palatable than most of the rest of these losers.

Denise D. brings the show to a new low when she says that she learned to live life to the fullest after losing friends on September 11th. Jesus. Plus, she's wearing weird, unflattering shiny pants and a top with an off-the-shoulder ruffle. Offensive on so many levels.

"I have Nordic blood in me. I'm strong, noble, and have all my own hair." Thank you, Tony.

Jeff says that he's not macho -- he paints and writes poetry. Basically, his argument is that you should pick him because he's a weenie. I'm not sure how that works.

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Married By America




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