Married By America
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Welcome To The Hellmouth

Time for Jill's peeps to get their groove on. Her dad opens the questioning. Imagine the blankest and most stereotypical New York accent you possibly can, and then hear him say this: "Jill is a cat lover. And she cares for her cat. Like it's her child. Will you be able to love her cat as much as she does?" The audience laughs, unsure whether Scary Anthony means this to be funny. He does not. Smithy explains that he grew up with two Siamese cats, so he's all about the cats. His black sweater makes him look like a stick of licorice. He says he now has a gray cat named Rebel. I'm sorry, a cat named Rebel? Whatever, Smurfy. I mean, "Smithy." Everyone claps. Yay! Markus says that he's an animal lover, and actually says that he used to raise seeing-eye puppies, and giving them away always caused him great emotional trauma. You know, if a guy tried a line like that in a bar, you'd throw your drink in his face over the sheer insult, but I think Markus wants to be taken seriously. The audience goes, "Awwwwww." Anyway, he says that he will surely fall in love with the cats, just as he will with Jill. Ha! I found that funny. Vincent says that his mom raises Persian cats, so that's fine. And that's all he has to say. Kevin says that he's been around animals a lot, and for whatever reason, the first two he mentions are cats and squirrels. I'm sorry, squirrels? That confused me. Kevin then goes on to unleash this gem: "Whatever she's into, I'm hoping to blend with that, as much as she is towards me." If you look up "articulate" in the dictionary, Kevin is listed under ant. He shrugs and flashes his teeth. Last up is Brian, who says he doesn't like cats. He's going for the funny-guy honesty vote, which is not going to be served up by Scary Anthony any time soon. Somehow, he winds up saying that because he doesn't like cats, he and Jill could get another cat to go with the cat she has. Or something.

We now move on to a part of the competition where Sean reveals something scandalous about one of the participants. Porn! Porn! I bet it's porn! Anyway, the guys have the right to step up and admit to anything embarrassing they can think of, even though Sean only has one piece of info on one of them, so they might be confessing for nothing. I'm sorry, why would they confess? To avoid having Sean reveal whatever they're going to...confess...my head hurts. None of them confess, obviously, and so Sean, after dragging things out with a dreadful series of non-dramatic pauses, reveals that the secret is about...Markus! (Dun-dun-duuuuun!) And the secret is...he got his first kiss in college! Scandal! Markus defends himself against this bitter insult by saying that he used to be shy. That really was very exciting. Okay, now, with the guys except for Markus having answered only the cat question, it's time for Jill's peeps to kick someone off the stage. And they decide to kick off Brian. They didn't apparently find his "I hate cats" approach to the "will you promise to love her cats?" question very appealing. Go figure. Oh, and Scary Anthony says that Brian dresses like a dweeb, which is pretty much the funniest thing that will happen on this show all night. Brian attempts what I think is a rip on Scary Anthony, who in turn dismisses him with a non-humorous blow-off.

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Married By America

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