Married By America
Episode 3

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Doofus, Xavier, Ass-parilla

Egghead tells us that it's time for us to make our choice. Oh, I'm really excited about making my choice! Oh, wait, that's not me. I'm sorry, I was thinking of someone else.

Back from commercials, and time for Matt's peeps to make their last cut. They've been hanging out in the interrogation room as well. We see Kelly asked why her file says she's "hard to get to know," and she says she's not. Great answer, nitwit. They also ask her about a notation that she has trouble admitting when she's wrong. She says she wasn't aware that was going to come up. In another clip, Matt's mom asks Cortez how she feels about living with someone before she's married. Cortez says that would be all right, as long as you were engaged. She is seriously the blandest girl I have ever seen. She just has no discernible personality whatsoever, positive or negative. Back on the stage, it's time for the big cut. But first, what did the peeps think of these ladies? They thought Cortez was gorgeous and sweet -- maybe too sweet. They think maybe she couldn't stand up to Matt. I'm sorry, have they actually seen Matt? Matt looks like a less threatening Daniel Stern, for God's sake. As for Sally, they like that she claims to know what she wants, but they find her "flighty." Kelly covers her ears when Sean is about to tell what they thought about her, because she's so funny! Ha ha! As it turns out, the peeps have pronounced her "just like Matt," and say that she and Matt would be "great buddies," but he needs something else in a wife. That's kind of a crappy thing to say, Matt's peeps.

Considering that asshole remark, it is no surprise that after dragging it out incessantly, Egghead announces that Cortez and Sally will be around, and Kelly will be gone. I am not happy with Matt's peeps. Asked for her reaction, Kelly gives a big raspberry and a thumbs-down. And then she sort of raises her arms triumphantly as the audience applauds. Okay, that was a little bit funny. She leaves, because as the only woman on this show I have come close to not hating, she of course has to go. Away with you, non-hateable woman!

Now we have to listen to Matt's isolation-booth plea. He offers quite an impressive load of blather about how he wants people to look beyond the surface, and blah blah blah, and how we should all take what we learned from the interaction between the peeps and the chicks (hey, I love jokes that write themselves!) and use it to decide whom he should marry.

Back on stage, Egghead tells us that it's time for Sally and Cortez to make their pleas. Sally is up first. She thanks America for getting to know her "on a very personal level," and she wants us to vote for her so that she can get to know Matt. I certainly feel I've had an excellent chance to get to know Sally. I know I trust her -- how about you? As for Cortez, she opens with "America, this is big, and I need your help." She says that she's looking for a guy to bring out her hopeless romantic yak yak yakkety-yak. Just like Xavier/Scott, this is coming down to Cortez the hottie versus Sally the closer-to-appropriate choice. It will be an interesting study in human psychology to see how America votes in both cases. Except for the part where it totally won't be interesting.

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Married By America

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