Married By America
Episode 3

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Doofus, Xavier, Ass-parilla

And now, your host, Sean Valentine. (Audience, mistakenly believing that Announcer-Man said "Shaun Cassidy": "Wooooo!") By the way, Sean says his name as if there's some chance that it's going to mean something to us, other than "Isn't that what The Simpsons would call the operator of a fraudulent computer dating service?" Sean has no function except to repeat just about everything that Announcer-Man just said. In fact, I'm surprised that Announcer-Man's voice doesn't suddenly boom, "Didn't I just say that, Sean?" Sean talks a while longer without saying anything, which is a remarkable skill, and which makes this show a fitting accompaniment to Thursday night's presidential news conference. He basically hits you with "Next week, people will get engaged. Right here on this stage. So if you keep watching, they will get engaged. On this stage. Next week. On this stage. Because we've got people who are willing to get engaged, and it will happen next week. GUESS WHERE!" Announcer-Man next tells us that we have to go to break, but he promises us that after the break, events will occur. I am skeptical. I haven't seen so much emphasis on set-up without any discernible ETA for the actual event since the Super Bowl. And since the last Super Bowl I watched was probably five years ago, it's really been a while.

When we return, Sean repeats the various principles of the show (actually, "premises," because saying "principles" in the context of this particular situation makes my nerves all jangly), and then he tells us that Jennifer will be first up tonight. They now show exactly the same profile of Jennifer that they showed on Monday night. No, really, it's exactly the same piece of footage. And it's not like it was a really hot piece of documentary filmmaking the first time around, either. It's really not a good sign when you're in the third hour of your incredibly controversial marriage show and you're pushing this hard to find filler. When the profile is over, Sean calls Jennifer down off her perch, just like he did the other night when he introduced her. She strolls over as if he's not completely creepy, and then Sean calls her "sweetie." Ew. Back off the contestants, you tiny-faced sleazebag. "Why are you trying to meet a guy in this manner?" he asks her. Surprisingly enough, he is referring to meeting guys by going on television, not by running over every time a grungy TV host snaps his fingers and says "sweetie." In explaining to Sean her decision to go on the show, she avoids the true-but-obvious "I'm doing it to avoid guys like you, you greasy punk," and says that she's been looking for a while, and it hasn't worked yet, so she figured she might as well just give up. Great attitude, there, pumpkin. Because nothing feeds true love like the sweet, pungent fertilizer of absolute desperation.

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Married By America

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