Jennifer steps aside to give way to designated goofball Matt, who similarly stands on his perch as his Monday night profile plays. Again. Aw, there's Matt with his dog! Aw, there's Matt's family! Aw, there are Matt's ears! Aw, there's Matt's dignity! (Beware, the shattered shards are sharp!) After the profile, Matt strolls over to Sean, who says, "You're funny, you're charming, you're attractive..." God, back off, Valentine. Don't make me explain the concept of a hostile environment. Matt looks a little surprised by this gush of affection as Sean goes on to say that Matt has obviously got everything a girl could be looking for (aside from boundaries, evidently), so it's hard to believe he's still single. Once again, Sean uses the construction "Why are you trying to find a girl in this manner?" Okay, who taught Sean that he should say, "in this manner"? Because it really doesn't make him sound as much like a college professor as he imagines it does. Matt explains that it's "an incredible adventure," and "something [he'd] share with only one person." That's certainly a new twist on an old concept. He would share his love and life and wonderful adventure with only one person -- but he doesn't really care who it is. "What are you looking for in a girl, Matt?" "Well, Sean, I'm not picky about personality, looks, or compatibility in general, but I do feel strongly that she should be unitary." Here's a hint, Matt: being a one-woman man generally presupposes that you will, in fact, know who in the hell the one woman is. Otherwise, you're more of an any-woman man.
Matt and Jennifer stand off to the side as Sean intones that, at this point, they are being sent off to be sequestered in their 1965-style glass booths with their Sonny and Cher headphones, where they will wait to see what their peeps do with the available merchandise.
When we return, Sean tells us that it's time for the Peeps of Jennifer to have their way with the last five suitor-boys. Her first peep is her brother Stephen, who is an exact laboratory-manufactured double of Ryan Seacrest. Wow. Just when you think this show can't find any more ways to be drop-dead, spit-in-your-face, knock-your-teeth-out creepy. Next, we meet Jennifer's mother Joyce, who looks like she's about six plastic surgeries over the legal limit, and Jennifer's best friend Alicia, who looks eerily like Jennifer Aniston would if you bleached her hair and let her eat. They all wave uncomfortably. Well, everyone's nervous the first time they choose a loved one's spouse based on a five-minute interview. By way of introduction, Sean asks Joyce why she thinks her daughter has gone so horribly wrong as to take part in this grotesque enterprise (I am paraphrasing), and Joyce says, "I think America always makes great choices." Of all the times that television has very nearly made my head explode, this remark is in the top three. Rob Schneider, Kenny G, The Mummy Returns, Velveeta, the WWE, Shania Twain, Prohibition, the Backstreet Boys...wake up, Joyce. Your daughter could be about to marry the single-man equivalent of Gladiator. I think that last nip and tuck may have involved going a little too deep with the scalpel, if you know what I'm saying.