Married By America
Episode 3

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Doofus, Xavier, Ass-parilla

Now that we've gotten rid of one of the skanks, it's time to move on to the next round of questions, which are supposedly gleaned from the peeps' review of the fellas' background files. Mom starts by addressing Xavier, who turns his male-model smile on her with utter ruthlessness. She asks him what was the most romantic thing he's ever done for a woman he was in love with. Xavier explains that he thinks being romantic is often about small things, like noticing your wife across a room that's filled with other people. ["Or, you know, guessing which one of those people she might be, in this case." -- Wing Chun] He makes it sound really sexy and French. "You cannot plan being romant-eek," he says. Mom likes his answer. She's thinking about how she would look parading around an expensive hotel suite wearing nothing but Xavier's shirt.

Alicia now addresses Scott. She asks him about the fact that he was the youngest person ever to run for mayor of Tulsa, Oklahoma. I personally would argue that running for mayor of Tulsa is just as embarrassing as living with your mom. She asks Scott why he ran, and how it affected him. He says he learned that you have to go after what you want, in spite of your fears. Way to dish those clichés, pinhead. He is much too idealistic for politics, I can already tell.

Now Stephcrest asks Joshua about the fact that he's only twenty-five years old, and has already determined that he wants four kids. Sean is all shocked that Joshua wants so many. How many, four? Jeez, Stephcrest, it's not like he said he wanted to have forty-six kids and live in a shoe. Joshua answers that he loves children, and he thinks that children are our future. No, he really does say that. Mercifully, he does not sing. He does, however, go on: "If you have no children, you have no future, and I want a future," he says. Wow, Joshua, on behalf of all the childless people of America, I want to say we really appreciate your respectful treatment of our cold, meaningless lives. Don't mind me; I'll just be over here with my head in the oven, flicking a lighter. (It's okay; my oven is electric. I'll mostly be bored out of my skull, which seems appropriate.) ["And, we're supposed to be taking life tips from Fox reality-show participants now? Joshua, why don't you just go home and wait for the network to start soliciting applicants for their new show next fall, Knocked Up By America?" -- Wing Chun]

Next, Stephcrest addresses the icky Jeremy. Stephcrest asks about the fact that the first time Jeremy went to a strip club, it was with his parents: "Is this some kind of a family tradition?" Ew. Seriously. Jeremy grins, as he always does, and explains that "it's not like [he and his parents] were celebrating Thanksgiving dinner there." Oh, well, it's okay, then. After all, an ordinary family dinner periodically interrupted by lapdances is nothing to be embarrassed about. Who among us hasn't done that? Jeremy goes on to say that he has the coolest parents in the world, and he thinks they just wanted to teach him "the value of a dollar." Okay, I admit that's a passably good line, but unfortunately, he acts much too amused by it, and it still doesn't actually explain why he went to a strip club with his parents. Most people I know have been traumatized on any occasions on which they have inadvertently gone with their parents to attend movies with an explicit sex scene in them, so a strip club? With both your parents? Yeesh.

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Married By America

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