Married By America
Episode 3

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Doofus, Xavier, Ass-parilla

And now, let's shake our heads at the five chicks who have a chance at Matt. Kelly is a horseback rider from Florida. She's wearing a stretchy halter top with colors right out of the 1974 Sears World of Furniture catalog, by the way. Lots of brown and orange. It's rec-room-a-rific! Next up is Sally, who's a "building coordinator for a pediatric group" from Boston. I'm sorry, do any of these people have normal jobs? And no, "reality-show contestant" doesn't count. Anyway, Sally is wearing a floral top that would require Harry Houdini to undo it, because it ties and folds over in a whole variety of interesting ways, I think. Cortez is from Costa Rica originally, but now she lives in Atlanta, where she does marketing for a plastic surgeon. Seriously, real jobs. I'm looking for, like, "nurse." Or "teacher." Or "administrative assistant." Marketing for a plastic surgeon? Anyway, she works in the show's title by saying she's "hoping to be married by America." I think you get a ten-dollar bonus for that. Next up is Darcey, who says that she's ambitious and goes after what she wants, and right now she wants a husband, so give her one, dammit, or we'll all pay. Okay, she doesn't say the "pay" part. Finally, we have Jennifer, in her Goldie Hawn floral dress, who says she's a medical sales rep (well...that's closer to a normal job, anyway) in Orlando. Hey, Orlando! If she doesn't make it, she can ride the spinning teacups with Smithy. He could curl up in her lap like a kitty. At the end of her speech, she claps for herself. Yay! Oh, yay, Jennifer!

The first question for all of them to answer is the first interesting question that's been asked so far. Matt's mom asks, "Why did your last relationship end?" Sally bristles at the question, but carefully says that she was ready to settle down and her boyfriend wasn't, in part because he was younger than she was. I wonder if he was a patient at the pediatric group. One minute, he came in for strep throat, and the next...ah, romance. Anyway, she says that they went their separate ways. The audience claps, because it's been so long since there was anything worth clapping for that they no longer remember what the role of clapping normally is, and they don't really remember what it is to feel joy anyway. Jennifer says that her last relationship ended because of "bad timing," but when she fleshes out the details, it boils down to "he didn't pay enough attention to me." Kelly says that her last relationship was over before it started, because the guy was starting a business and getting over another relationship, so they didn't even really date, I guess. Which kind of means it wouldn't qualify as her "last relationship," but I guess she doesn't want to tell Mom about the one before that. It probably ended when she ran the guy over with a truck. Incidentally, it would have been great if somebody had asked Denise L. this question. She would have said, "Well, my last relationship ended when I got a divorce." And then there would have been this pause, and she would have said, "Can you excuse me? That reminds me of something I forgot to do." And then she would have run off the stage.

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Married By America

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