Married By America
Episode 3

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Doofus, Xavier, Ass-parilla

Darcey says that she and her most recent boyfriend were in "two different places," and it sounds like the implication is that she was career-oriented and he was a giant loser, but it's kind of hard to tell. Maybe he was in the kitchen and she was in the bathroom. I would believe that could have been an insurmountable obstacle, because neither of them could have figured out how to get from one room to another without a map and a trail of breadcrumbs.

Cortez wraps things up by saying that her last relationship ended because it was long-distance, and the communication broke down. Well, that's not very salacious. Maybe communication broke down over porn. Yeah, porn!

Time for the Scandalous Secret. You know, it's so interesting that they actually ran a round of this involving Denise L. without managing to find out that she was already married. They, of course, went with topless photos of her instead, as you will recall. Hey, you can't argue with a classic. The secret this time, it turns out, is about Darcey. And what is this secret? Well, she doesn't believe in premarital sex and is "currently practicing abstinence." Some guy in the audience goes, "Woooo!" really loud. Apparently, he is also practicing abstinence. Either that, or he thinks chicks who are practicing abstinence are hot. Everyone applauds. I think it's fascinating that a woman can say she doesn't believe in premarital sex and people applaud her like she genetically engineered the stringless celery stalk, but a guy says that he didn't get his first kiss until college, and they recoil from him like he's a leper whose fingers are actually falling off as he speaks. Whatever.

Time for the peeps to make a cut. The first to go is Jennifer. Mom says that they think "Matthew would mow her down." Jennifer takes offense, and says in a twee, easily-mowed-down manner that she could mow Matthew down. No, dear. Go home and marry someone boring. Her witty (?) comeback inspires a bunch of guys in the audience to "hoo hoo hoo" like they're on the old Arsenio Hall show. Wow. You'd think all the guys who still do that would be long dead by now. Among other things, you'd think other people would have killed them.

Time for another round of questions. Kelly is asked about having been voted Class Clown in high school. Mom asks her whether she's looking for a guy who's "a good audience" or a guy who's "even funnier than [she is]." Mom is being dense, because the obvious correct answer is "both." Funny people make the best audiences for other funny people, because trying to amuse the dull is a truly soul-deflating exercise. Kelly says she thinks she's pretty funny, but would love to meet someone funnier. Hmm, she hasn't said anything funny yet. Time is running out, Laugh Riot Girl. "Anybody that can make me laugh steals my heart," she says unconvincingly. Meh. It's not that I'm not with her in spirit, but her delivery sucks.

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Married By America

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