Married By America

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | 482 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Au Revoir, Freedomy

Kevin comes out in...I'm sorry, shorts? Is that a fantasy? Are those jams? Does Jill have a fantasy about doing it with Jason Priestley in the summer of 1992? Oh, I get it. They're going in the pool. They go in the pool, and aquatic Doing It ensues, accompanied by seriously revved-up sex music. The water theme continues as we see more aquatic Doing It ensuing in the hot tub inside. Jill implies that there was no Doing It until this point, which is actually the one thing about this that actually qualifies as surprising. She informs us that this time, she told Kevin it was "go time." It appears that Kevin throws a towel over the night-cam in their bedroom. Good for him. Although the show will probably sue him for breach of contract.

Morning comes to the Huggy-Boo Ranch. Billie Jeanne and Tony work on a jigsaw puzzle, and she voices over about how incredibly good things are when they're doing mundane things together. Translation: "It's more than just sex, I SWEAR." They curl up on the bed together as Billie Jeanne voices over that knowing that a bunch of strangers will judge their relationship scares her. What if they think it's just pixelized-ass grinding?

Stephen and Denise eat dinner together, and discuss the fact that they both want to continue. But what he says in his interview, actually, is that sometimes he wants to continue, and sometimes he doesn't. Denise, on the other hand, says that she really wants to stay. The half-moon looks down at us. Angrily.

The couples (I just wrote "the teams," heh) walk down to the Judgment Room. The same panel of dorks is sitting there as last week. Dr. Jenn's lipstick isn't quite so assaultively red as it was last time, but Ms. P. has a truly unfortunate yellow outfit on. The couples settle onto their assorted sofas. Egghead gives some yappety-yap about the show and the premise and the whatever whatever. He actually says, "Intimacy demands commitment." So says Egghead, King Of Relationships, who probably lost his last girlfriend to a cable access host. Egghead reminds the teams that last week's decision to boot Matt and Cortez was allegedly based on what happened during the panel interview, although of course, anyone who watched that week's events would logically find that hard to believe.

The panel starts with Kevin, asking him about the fact that he's "still searching" for a start to his second career. Non-Doctor Don asks Kevin what his financial plan is for his future, and how this might affect his decision to get married. I think this means, "Are you ever planning on working again? Because Jill really doesn't seem like the support-her-husband type." Kevin, just as last week, goes all sweaty and nervous and his looks drop from about an 8 to a 5. Kevin points out first that this isn't his second career he's working on -- he's had "many a career." Um, I'm not sure that's helping, Kevin. He blathers absolutely incoherently about how he's "been through some straits in finding some certain direction" -- say WHAT? -- but he's "not concerned." Jill is asked whether she's concerned, and she says that her only worry is that she really likes shopping. See, they laugh at this like it's stupid, but if you ask any marriage counselor, they will tell you that fighting about money is really serious, so I don't actually think Non-Doctor Don is too dumb for asking this question. Not because Kevin is supposed to make enough money for Jill to go shopping, but because if he plans to live on a shoestring and she plans to own hundreds of pairs of expensive shoes, they are indeed likely to fight. Jill insists, of course, that she could change her way of life and shop less if it were important for their future. "Dr." Jenn seems unconvinced. Jill speaks warmly about how excited she is to start saving money for her and Kevin's future.

Married By America

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