Married By America
Episode 6

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
Au Revoir, Freedomy

Previously on Wife in Hell: Five couples came to the Huggy-Boo Ranch and hung out together on the theory that they were engaged. Honestly, it was just a theory. Stephen wouldn't kiss Denise, even though she wanted him to. Matt wouldn't kiss Cortez because she obviously didn't want him to. Xavier wouldn't kiss Jennifer because she was generally across the room most of the time, and his mouth just doesn't stretch that far, even though he is French. Kevin and Jill chose kissing over mountain biking, because DUH. Tony and Billie Jeanne had a hard time interrupting the monkey love for anything so mundane as kissing. A panel of three dimwits mercifully threw Matt and Cortez out of the Huggy-Boo before things got ugly between them. Well, uglier. And I'm not even talking about the ears.

I have to say that it's probably unnecessary to start the show with one of those really long and boring introductions to the concept ("What if you left your ordinary life and wore a white sparkle dress and stuck your hand through a hole and yappety yippety yap"), and then subject us to a separate set of previouslys relating to the last episode in particular, just to make sure that we are entirely up to date. Seriously, guys, the new viewers do not need you to explain the concept, because there are no new viewers. In fact, the audience is fleeing this sinking show so fast that if you listen very closely, you can actually hear "My Heart Will Go On" being tootled on a pennywhistle. You know, I've been wondering why my lips were turning blue.

We pick things up this week on Day 3, a couple of hours after Matt and Cortez's exit, as the rest of the couples consider the way escape -- and therefore sanity -- just whizzed by their ears, missing them by mere centimeters. It appears that they were not moved to reevaluate. Billie Jeanne -- who appears to be wearing a tropical-patterned dress and some kind of ribbon wrap -- says that she was upset with the non-doctors on the panel for implying that she and Tony didn't have anything to their relationship except what the panel politely called "passion." She wants it known that she and Tony have a deep soul connection, because it's not like all she ever does is grind her pixelized ass all over him. As we see footage of Billie Jeanne grinding her pixelized ass all over Tony, he voices over that it's not problematic that he's hot for her; in fact, it would be problematic if he were engaged to someone that he wasn't hot for. Seriously, Tony and Billie Jeanne both could not miss the point more if the point were in Greenland and they were on my couch. (And it's a good thing they're not, because I would hate to have to hose down my couch.) Billie Jeanne -- well aware that it's not easy to find a guy who makes a good landing strip for your pixelized ass -- says that she will be traumatized if she and Tony are "ripped apart." Because if you get thrown off the show, of course, you can never see each other again or the Chaos Theory Brute Squad will come to your house and beat the crap out of you. She goes on to tell us emphatically that being removed from Tony's curiously noncommittal arms would "crush [her]." It would "hurt [her] in ways that [she doesn't] want to feel." You know, if you watched about three seasons of reality shows on Fox, you could write the Complete Field Guide to the Freakishly Needy, and you could successfully identify every species, subspecies, and geographical variation. It's good to know that the network is doing its part for the advancement of scientific knowledge.

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Married By America




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