Married By America
Episode 6

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Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Au Revoir, Freedomy

The packing of bags ensues. It is about as interesting as the packing of bags usually is. Stephen makes sure to take the booze with him, unsurprisingly. Tony and Billie Jeanne arrive at their villa (which is actually Stonepine's "Hermes House," promoted as a "celebrity hideaway"). Inside, they marvel at how cool their new house is. Well, sure! It's a celebrity hideaway! What did you expect? The only possible drawback would be if Ben and J.Lo left their socks draped over the radiator, like they do when they stay at my house. Tony voices over that the house was "like a fairy tale." I move to amend my resolution to ban "fairy tale" also. Billie Jeanne jumps up and down in the living room as Tony voices over how great it is that this will be their "first house together." Which I suppose gives new meaning to the phrase "house of ill repute." Billie Jeanne jumps on the bed to celebrate. Or, I guess, to make sure the springs are up to snuff.

The music changes to a moody piano as Jennifer and Xavier move in to their villa (actually Stonepine's "Paddock House," which has four separate suites inside). Jennifer offers Xavier a glass of wine with all the warmth she can muster, which really isn't very much warmth. He interviews that the villa feels like home to them, as we see them share their wine in the living room. Then he starts voicing over about how Jennifer loosened up in the different environment, and then suddenly, they have a dog. No, really, there's a black and white dog for Jennifer to play with, and she definitely shows the dog more warmth than she's shown her "fiancé." Xavier interviews that he likes her a lot better in the villa than he did at the Huggy-Boo. Hey, maybe if they surround Jennifer with additional domestic props, she will get into the swing of things a little more. Somebody get a blender! And an iron! And an apron with lace edges!

Jill and Kevin's villa is, I think, part of Stonepine's "Gate House." Coincidentally, they think their incredibly lush and expensive digs are really cool, too. When Jill takes Kevin off for a tour of the rest of the house, she cheerily says, "Come on, honey." Wow, they certainly do seem to be settling in. He didn't even flinch at "honey." Jill interviews that now that they're really settled in, they'll get a chance to really see whether they're compatible in a normal situation. She would probably agree that the proceedings still do have a few hints of artifice, but hey, this is almost the way most people start out, isn't it?

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Married By America

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