Married By America
Episode 7

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Family Slapshots

Tony's dad attempts a pleasant toast in which he says that he hopes they will both find what they're looking for in each other. Warmth envelops the table as they hoist their wine glasses. And then Billie Jeanne adds, "Cheers to beers and queers." HA! Tony voices over that his father's toast was "heartfelt," and Billie Jeanne's comment "de-emphasized" the feelings that his dad was trying to express. Well, it's always possible that his dad was hoping that they found lots of beers and queers on their journey of love. Tony then remarks with great understatement that BJ does sometimes "push the envelope as far as behavior goes." We now see Tony and BJ hanging out in what I guess is Tony's kitchen with Tony's dad and brother, and BJ is still acting freaky. Tony's dad interviews that he isn't thrilled about "the way she talks sometimes." Of course, they show Billie Jeanne playfully to Tony, "You show me yours, and I'll show you mine," which...I mean, she certainly doesn't appear to be speaking literally, so there could be relatively innocent explanations for that remark. She then manages, however, to find occasion to say "party in my pants," and that does seem like it would "push the envelope" of what you might say in front of your future in-laws the first time you meet them. The party part is okay, and it might be okay to reference your pants, but probably not both at the same time.

Suddenly, we see the arrival of Tony's best bud. And what is best bud's name? It's "Bender." Of course it is. Tony's best bud wouldn't be named "Steve" or "Dave" or "Tom." He's named "Bender," like any good best friend in a movie about date rape. They hug in that we-are-so-het way, and then BJ throws her arms enthusiastically around Bender. Next thing you know, Billie Jeanne's friends Duane and Paige, who have now officially been on this show more than the host, show up. Duane is wearing his usual black do-rag. A quick montage of Billie Jeanne swearing in front of everyone follows. Oh, she's so bad! With the swearing! Oh, who will marry her now, poor Billie Jeanne with her fuzzy white sweater? Bender interviews that he has to wonder what kind of wife BJ would be, considering that she's "a party girl" and "enjoys having a good time." I hate Bender. You can just tell that he's thoroughly committed to the "there are girls you screw on the first date, and girls you marry" philosophy, which I think it's Tony's philosophy as well. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that philosophy except when you go on television claiming to intend to get married, particularly when you continue that charade with a girl who actually clearly wants to marry you. Bender says he doesn't know how Billie Jeanne will do "in a domestic situation." I really don't think a guy whose name is "Bender" gets to judge anyone for, you know, anything, but that's just me. I'm also not sure I'm hiring him to cater my dinner parties, so I'm not sure how much domestic expertise he has. Anyway, Bender thinks Tony is "so infatuated" with Billie Jeanne that her "imperfections and flaws" aren't apparent to him yet. That, I would mention, is not the issue. The issue is that Tony knows her flaws exactly and has long since decided not to marry her -- or to marry her for the money, but not stay with her. It's sort of depressing that Bender doesn't understand this situation as well as people watching the show do, and we're not even Tony's best bud.

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Married By America

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