Married By America
Episode 8

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Heaving Las Vegas

Previously on Holy Matrimony! And Other New Developments In Profanity: Jill and Kevin received the reluctant blessing of Scary Anthony, who really, really would not want you to call him "Sweetie Anthony." Tony and Billie Jeanne spent some time watching BJ's friend Duane cry his eyes out and mop his head with his black scarf, and BJ's mention of a party in her pants put Tony's father off even more than the fact that a perfectly innocent abominable snowman died to make her sweater. Stephen's and Denise's families got along like gangbusters, but that was a surprisingly ineffective aphrodisiac, and they managed to be evicted for total lack of discernible attraction anyway. Stephen almost spat on Miss P. on the way out the door.

"Due to some sexual content, parental discretion is advised." Oh, if only they would follow this with the equally appropriate, "Due to idiotic behavior, stupid music, soporific editing, and a generally elevated squick factor, the exercise of any other kind of discretion is likely to interfere with your enjoyment of the show, and is therefore most definitely not advised."

Introductory whatnot. What if you were a fame whore? What if you had no shame? What if you went on TV and zzzzzz...man, how sick do you think Scary Anthony is of seeing that clip of Jill going, "Touch my breasts!" I think every time that's on, he breaks the arm of the nearest man under the age of fifty.

On Day 12, two hours after the departure of Denise and Stephen, while Denise's schoolgirl outfit is probably still being laundered, Tony and Billie Jeanne relax in front of the fire back at "home." Tony interviews that he thinks the elimination "went pretty well," in that he and Billie Jeanne weren't eliminated. Well, you've got to have a goal. He says that he and BJ are "very honest with each other," which isn't interfered with by the fact that Billie Jeanne is clearly deluded as to his feelings about her and he has no intention of correcting her. He says that the panel kept them on the show because intellectual giants of the grade of "Dr." Jenn, Non-Doctor Don, and Miss P. can see that he and Billie Jeanne are "actually attempting to have a relationship." We flash back in sepia tones to BJ telling Tony, during the panel questioning, how crazy she is about him, and the way he didn't respond in kind. Tony tells us that he "wants to live up to the person that she deserves to have," which is the biggest cop-out in the history of cop-outs. It's the "Gee, I'd love to be your tootsie-wootsie, but I'm not good enough for you -- I'm only good enough for these eighteen hookers I'll be spending the next three weeks with" theory. It's the "I like you so much that I can barely bring myself to screw your sister during your bridal shower" theory. More sepia footage of Tony telling the panel that he wants to make sure the feelings they have will survive their exit from the strange environment of the Huggy-Boo. We see him and Billie Jeanne making out on the couch as she voices over that "the reality is setting in." That's not reality setting in, in my personal opinion -- it is deep and abiding evil. I feel it settling in my stomach, where it will linger endlessly like a bran muffin.

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Married By America

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