Married By America
Finale

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When marriage is its own penalty

As Kevin gets dressed, he explains that he'd love to be able to talk to Jill and tell her where he stands. We can't have that, of course, because it would interfere with the drama. He looks happy and excited as he gets all tuxed up. He tells us that he "hopes [he] can keep [his] composure" when he sees Jill in her dress.

Duane watches the preparation of Billie Jeanne. He is teary, of course. "Everything's going your way," Duane remarks. "I hope nothing bad happens," Billie Jeanne says in response. Wow, it's raining anvils. Duck!

Tony puts his tie on. He tells us that he has made his decision, but it's always possible that at the last minute, he will change his mind.

Billie Jeanne squeals in delight as she is loaded into her dress. There's some kind of very complex ribbon lacing on the back, which someone is kind enough to work on for her. I've always been very wary of those Houdini dresses, but it does seem appropriate to include vague escape artist imagery.

The unwelcome Egghead makes another appearance. Or, rather, series of appearances. Basically, he goes around and knocks on each person's door and reminds them that they'll walk down the aisle, and then they'll say either "I do" or "I don't." Except that it takes him about ten minutes to say this. The "highlight" is when Billie Jeanne tells him this is the happiest day of her life. "Is this the storybook ending?" he enables. She tells him that it is. "I've got everything that I never thought I'd have," she blathers blissfully. Oh, and the other highlight is that Egghead calls Jill "sweetie," which means Scary Anthony will be waiting with a heavy bat at the end of the show. And that's certainly good news.

Thirty minutes before the ceremony, Jill emerges from her villa and gets in the car. Jill talks about being nervous and scared. Kevin drinks something. He discusses how he had "an open heart and an open mind." He says that he loves everything about Jill. Yuck. There's basically just a lot more yappety-flap about wishing they had more time and wondering what they'll do and the big decision and MAN, I can't believe they stretched this into two hours. As Billie Jeanne is led to her carriage by Duane, he singsongs, "A beautiful day for a wed-ding!" Shut up, Duane. The world doesn't even need one JoAnne Worley, let alone two. Moreover, couldn't he at least have worn a different do-rag? Something fancy? Like, with a little bow tie on it, or some rhinestones? (My friend The Professor, not knowing this was Duane's usual scarf, actually commented, "I'm glad he put on his formal hoopie-hat for this occasion.") As she and Duane take off for the ceremony, Billie Jeanne says, "This has gotta be my dream come true, I swear to God." God sends down a note that says, "Please don't drag Me into this." In his limo on the way to the ceremony, Tony interviews that he and Billie Jeanne have been completely open with each other, which is downright bizarre, given that she has absolutely no concept of how he feels at all. "I think my happy ending is here," Billie Jeanne interviews. And then she looks into the camera and says, "God, Tony, you make me so happy." Tony tells us that he's never met anyone like Billie Jeanne before. "It's like she's standing before me with her hands out, and she's offering her love to me."

The music goes, "Blat! Blat! Blat! Blat!" And then it is, mercifully, time for another commercial. Oh, sweet advertising.

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Married By America

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