Married By America
Finale

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When marriage is its own penalty

Oh, look. Time for "BILLIE JEANNE & TONY'S WEDDING." I think I've moved from needing tequila to needing Novocain. Various peeps enter and are led down the aisle. Bender and Paige look kind of nice together, actually. Tony walks in and takes his place. Billie Jeanne's carriage rolls up, and what is she doing? Oh, she's yelling, "Woooo!" She is bubbling over with happiness, cackle-laughing and grinning. Two little flower girls make their way down the aisle.

Enter Billie Jeanne, on the arm of Crying Duane. Her peeps look on joyfully. I think Tony's guys are still making side wagers on what he's going to do. At the altar, Crying Duane pulls back her veil and gives her a little kiss, and then it is upon her. She mouths to Tony that she loves him. Feh. The pastor talks for a while, yappety-flap. He talks about God, Who again is undoubtedly unhappy to be dragged into this. Time for the vows.

Billie Jeanne calls him "her beautiful bird." There are flying metaphors. She wants them to be together forever, and she promises him her heart, and she promises to make them happy together forever. Crying Duane cries. A lot. Tony's vows are next. He tells her she's "so amazing." He's all teary, and praises her "ability to love." He says that he is "ask[ing] her to continue on this journey." What a fake-out.

Will she take him to be her husband? I think we know she's saying yes, but let's see a commercial first.

When we return, the minister repeats the question, and BJ says, "I do." Now, time to ask Tony. Does he pledge his faith and so forth? He looks at her, and she grins. He says that they've been honest so far, and that he knows she could love enough for both of them, but she deserves to be with somebody who loves her as much as she loves him, so he's not marrying her. He says he's sorry. She looks stunned. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out at first. Her sister, in the audience, is crying. Finally, Billie Jeanne says, "Um," and looks at the ground. "Um, I...I have to go." She turns and goes back up the aisle, followed by Crying Duane, who yells in a diva-like fashion, "What a loser!" BJ asks him to shut up, but he yells it again. BJ's friends run to check on her. Her sister cries. "How dare he?" Crying Duane demands on his way up the stairs. BJ continues to ask him to knock it off, but it doesn't slow him down at all, which is how you can tell this isn't about how much he cares about Billie Jeanne, unfortunately. She does seem to have a way of gravitating toward people who are never going to be any good at caring about her. Billie Jeanne eventually winds up crawling into a closet and huddling on the floor, where she begins to sob. She is comforted by Paige, who crawls in with her. Eventually, BJ's sister comes in, too. She is also sobbing, "Billie? Billie, where are you?" The sister crawls into the closet with BJ and Paige, and she's still carrying her kid. Nice. They all commiserate in the closet, while out in the room with the rest of the peeps, Crying Duane says, "He's gonna fry in hell for this." He's going for an ominous tone, but he really doesn't have it in him.

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Married By America

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