Married By America
Finale

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When marriage is its own penalty

And now, it's time for us to all learn a valuable lesson. Egghead tells us that the couples had an instant connection, but recaps the fact that, in the end, nobody got married, making this the stupidest and most pointless show of all time. (That last part is silent, though.) He explains that the audience that voted last week picked Jill and Kevin, as it turned out, so they would have gotten the prize had they gotten married. But they didn't. So the prize will go unclaimed. Egghead lectures us about how perhaps the couples learned something meaningful. Yeah. Good luck with that future career in turd-polishing, Egghead.

The necessary updates tell us what has happened to everyone since leaving the Huggy-Boo. Matt and Cortez aren't friends. Jennifer and Xavier have "no desire" to see each other. Heh. Denise and Stephen traveled home to New York together, and she cried the entire time. Double heh. Denise thinks that she and Stephen could be friends, but "the ball is in his court." He has "no interest in seeing Denise romantically." BJ and Tony "have kept in touch and may try to continue dating." Tony is thinking about visiting her in New York. Kevin and Jill decided "in the emotional aftermath of their wedding" to remain engaged. Kevin is going to move to New York in May. "They have no plans to move in together...yet."

And with that, this show is mercifully, finally, blessedly over. It's tempting to try to make some sense of all of it -- to ruminate about how ridiculous it is to lump shows like this in with shows like American Idol and Survivor under the umbrella term "reality television," or to weigh the agony of watching this insulting and revolting spectacle against the possibly positive implications of the fact that, in the end, no one actually got married in this ridiculous fashion. Paragraphs could be written about what we have learned about chemistry (considering that the couples' relationships played out just about as it seemed they would fifteen seconds after they met) or what we have learned about American attitudes toward marriage. But that would mean devoting additional brain waves to something so offensive, emotionally abusive, and morally bankrupt that even a viewing public inundated with endless early-spring reruns could not bring itself to tune in. After all, sometimes you don't even know there is a line until you realize there's something that's on the other side of it.

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Married By America

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