Married By America
Finale

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When marriage is its own penalty

I've never been so happy to see commercials in all my life as I have been during this show.

When everyone leaves breakfast, Kevin waits behind, because he's been informed that his brother wants to talk to him on the phone. Because of the show's abiding respect for both family dynamics and privacy, Kevin takes the call on the speakerphone with a camera there. On the phone, brother Sean informs Kevin that although he loves him and wants the best for him, he can't be Kevin's best man, because he can't support this ridiculous sham of a wedding. Wow, a flash of sanity -- who knew that was coming? Kevin calls his brother "buddy" a lot, which is Kevin for "My gentle brother, my feelings are wounded to the bone, but I respect your honor and will not attempt to dissuade you from your choice." After they hang up, Kevin lingers outside looking morose before heading back to the house to see Jill. He explains in a completely unnecessary voice-over that it was tough having his brother turn him down. You might have thought that would be adequately conveyed by all the morose lingering, but apparently you would be wrong.

When he gets back to the house, he and Jill open with some of their usual witty banter, to wit: "Whatcha doin'?" "Eatin' an apple." At any rate, he explains the situation to her. In an interview, she says that some of Kevin's family members "aren't so supportive of him," which makes her "hurt for Kevin." What she misses, of course, is that this IS his family being supportive of him. This is probably the most supportive thing his brother could do. At any rate, she also interprets it as a jab at her personally, as she tells us. Because it's all about Jill. Everything! Is about Jill! Kevin assures her that his brother doesn't dislike her, just the situation. Not that I'm thinking his family is wild about Jill, either. I'm certainly not, and she's not even marrying anyone I know, knock wood. Incidentally, throughout this conversation, Kevin is wearing his sunglasses on top of his head, which I hate, but he is at least wearing them right-side up. Given that Kevin was a minor-league baseball player, I think this solves forever any issue regarding whether wearing them upside-down on top of your head is a baseball thing.

Well, we're up to 4:00 PM, which we learn is 71 hours before the wedding. Wow -- I haven't fully done the math, but I think that at this rate, this show won't be over until I am four hundred years old. Billie Jeanne and Tony take off in a red SUV to go get their marriage license. Considering that Egghead told them they'd be getting their licenses "right after breakfast," I'd say breakfast was fairly long. In other news, I remain fascinated by the fact that you can't get a driver's license unless you prove you can drive, but you can get a marriage license without demonstrating anything except a pulse. They get out and walk up to a little chapel, where a lady takes them inside and takes them through the application. When Tony is asked for his job title or what he does for a living, he tells her to put just "sales." Which means he could work at a hardware store, or he could be a hooker. Or both. As she types up the application, Tony interviews, "Every click of the type [sic] is another nail in my coffin." Well, it feels good not to be the only person overwhelmed by the urge to use death metaphors, but on the other hand? Nice attitude, weasel. He is such a bucket of smarm. BJ, meanwhile, kisses him happily. As they raise their hands to swear that the information on the application is accurate, Billie Jeanne wears a serene smile and Tony wears a look of clammy disgust. These are essentially the moods they maintain as they leave the office together to head back to the Huggy-Boo. It's like Billie Jeanne is in the early part of a horror movie before everything goes wrong and people start having their brains sucked out, and Tony is in the late part when the hero is contemplating whether to sacrifice his friends to save himself. By the way, the lady at the chapel has a clock on her wall, and it is nothing like 4:00 or shortly after 4:00. In fact, it looks like it's about 2:10, making it neither "after breakfast" nor "after 4:00." I can't help wondering what the need was to lie about what freaking time of day they went to get their marriage licenses.

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Married By America

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