Married By America
Finale

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When marriage is its own penalty

The SUVs take the men off into the night. Billie Jeanne stands at the door and sobs. Oh, for God's sake.

At 8:00 AM on Day 19 -- 31 hours before the wedding -- Billie Jeanne is feeding the horses. I'm sure it's a metaphor for something, but I'm really too tired to interpret it at this point. Unsurprisingly, she poses for various melodramatic camera angles in which the sun judgmentally glares over her shoulder, and she tells us that she misses Tony and can't wait to be with him again. She actually says that Tony will "grow to love her" if he can "let go." I swear, it's like she's reading from dysfunctional Mad Libs or something. Tony, meanwhile, looks at the ocean in an equally picturesque manner, and you know that he must be really emotionally wrung out, because he hasn't shaved. You have to learn to read between the oh-so-subtle lines, people. He tells us that his feelings for Billie Jeanne are "still evolving." Yeah. From "lust" to "wary affection" to "stark terror of the kind that causes one to sit bolt upright in bed, soaked in one's own sweat." He is also taking his deeply meaningful walk on the beach wearing sneakers and shorts, and I really think you can't suffer fully unless you're barefoot with your pantlegs rolled up. Just saying. Oh, and he throws the BJ-likers a bone by saying, "It's difficult to be away from her."

Continuing our metaphor of the ocean representing discomfort and uncertainty, Jill sits on some rocks and stares at the water, looking for all the world like the dimwitted model she is, and tells us that she's scared and happy and something something and really, seriously, no one cares. She says she knows that if by chance Kevin says no at the altar, it will only be because he's valuing his friends' and family's opinions over his feelings for Jill. Kevin, in turn, says again that it upset him that his brother wouldn't be his best man, and that he's never gotten this close to getting married or being in love before. Wow, those sentiments are almost as riveting as they were the first and second times I heard them, which seems like it was fairly recently. They must be afraid I forgot.

At 3:00 that afternoon -- 24 hours before the wedding, eeeee! -- Scary Anthony and Mama Nic arrive at Jill's place. She hugs them excitedly. As she brings them into the house, Scary Anthony scolds that she had been "getting a little chunky" before, but allows that now she's "lost it again." And then Scary Anthony ripples the pecs of his magnificent athlete's body. Oh, no. I'm sorry. He doesn't. He does, however, talk to the camera about how he isn't really in favor of what Jill's doing, but he wants to make her happy, so he's trying to be nice. Mama Nic, on the other hand, tells us that she thinks Jill is ready for marriage and Kevin is "the one" for her. Makes sense, I guess, considering that it wouldn't occur to Mama Nic that Kevin is actually too good for Jill, which is my personal opinion. Jill sits down with her folks and relates a dream she had in which her wedding dress was a Christmas dress, complete with bells on the headpiece. Make your own "ding-a-ling" joke here.

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Married By America

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