Married By America
Finale

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When marriage is its own penalty

Over at BJ and Tony's, a harp plays as the ubiquitous knock on the door comes along yet again. To the surprise of no one, it is Duane and Paige. Because no one ever knocks on Billie Jeanne's door except Duane and Paige. I swear, I have got to get me one of those Billie Jeanne haircuts where she can go all Farrah Fawcett with the feathering whenever she wants. I think that's kinda hip. She explains to them that she feels great, and doesn't feel worried at all. Duane smiles lovingly at her while noting that she doesn't look worried -- "You look happy," he says, with what I read as cautious optimism. She yells with happiness some more, trying not to dislodge her wildly overapplied lip gloss.

Tony, meanwhile, greets the arriving tag team of Bender and Tony's dad. Bender says to the camera that he feels "a responsibility" as best man to tell Tony whether the wedding is a good idea. This show is seriously going to hit a snag if the best men don't all stop taking their responsibilities so seriously. He tells Tony basically that he's a little unnerved on his behalf over the whole situation. Bender brings up that perhaps when you don't feel ready to tell the girl you love her yet, you might not be ready to marry her. Tony says that "the basis is there." So I guess he's pretty much adopting Billie Jeanne's theory that he might grow to love her. They knock fists, because that's what guys do instead of crying and hugging and jumping up and down.

Jill's sister arrives, just as Jill is preparing for her dress fitting. Hug, hug, blah dee blah. Jill tries on her dress, and Scary Anthony tells us that she "took [his] breath away." Aww, it's so sweet when a girl stops being too "chunky" to take her father's breath away. Mama Nic says Jill looked like a princess. Jill, never shy about admiring herself, admires herself openly in the mirror and says, "I think it's beautiful." And by "it," she means "me."

Elsewhere, Kevin is looking for a substitute best man, and winds up asking his visiting friend Robert. Kevin does this by dropping to one knee and asking the guy to be his best man, and then they both laugh. I have a feeling that in other circumstances, I might find Kevin to be a pretty good guy. Not terrifically articulate, but a pretty good guy.

A bee buzzes around some flowers. Okay, we've now had cyclones and killer bees...bring on the locust references.

Billie Jeanne and Paige hold hands and take a walk. They discuss the scenery, but then they sit down for a minute, and Paige, like the rest of the killjoy friends and relatives, says she feels like it's her responsibility to tell BJ about some of her concerns about this whole thing. Paige talks about how this is marriage, and it's the rest of Billie Jeanne's life and so forth. Billie Jeanne, not really responding to Paige's precise set of concerns, assures Paige that if Tony weren't going to go through with it, he would have warned her, because he wouldn't dump her in the middle of the whole wedding thing. Billie Jeanne interviews about how it just keeps hitting her that she's about to get married. I think it's safe to say that when it comes to getting "hit," Billie Jeanne hasn't seen anything yet.

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Married By America

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