Married By America
Finale

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When marriage is its own penalty

Nineteen hours before the wedding, Tony sits around with his boys. He tells them that he's very secure about BJ as a person, and about her feelings for him. He then interviews that he's been very close and bonded with several women, but it's never been as good as it is with Billie Jeanne. Whom he's already told us he doesn't love. Goodness, where is the boy going with this? And will it be over soon?

Back at BJ's house, Duane and Paige return, this time with Billie Jeanne's sister and nieces in tow. Wow, nothing like introducing a couple of little kids into this equation to make everyone feel a little viler. She tells us that holding her nieces made it all so much more real, knowing that in the future, she will have kids of her own. She and her friends and family share a toast. Fortunately, it doesn't look like the children are drinking -- not that I think anyone at Fox would object if they were. BJ says that she used to feel like she had no family, but now she realizes that all these peeps are her family. "I've got a family, and I've got a man, and I've got the world," she says, and everyone drinks. Including me. I tell you, there's barely enough tequila in the world to get me through this thing. And keep in mind, there's a lot of tequila in the world.

Tony goes off to take a walk, and one of Tony's friends asks his dad and Bender how they're feeling about Tony's situation. One of Tony's friends says something about "whether or not Billie Jeanne's a good enough woman to marry..." Bender endears himself to me by saying in a quiet "shut up, asshole" fashion, without taking his eyes off the food he's cutting, "I think she's a good enough woman." He goes on to tell the gathered peeps that he thinks Tony will say yes. Another of the friends opines that he can "see it in [Tony's] eyes" that he's going to say no, but Bender continues to have faith. "I actually believe," he says, as he goes back to his food, "that she is as good of a match for Tony as he's ever had in his life." Weirdly, there's a sense in which I agree with him, although I think Billie Jeanne isn't going to be much of a match for anyone unless she lets go of a few more of her neuroses.

Over at Jill's, yet another knock on the door brings her family, which is coming over to have dinner. Jill is in a gauzy dress that's supposed to make her look romantic or something. I don't know. I'm not sure what the point is of having dinner with your family if you have to wear an uncomfortable dress like that. Isn't the whole point of family that you can look like a schlub in front of them? Scary Anthony offers a toast that includes the powerful and emotional blessing, "If this is the way it's going to be, so be it." Wow. Don't choke on your overwhelming enthusiasm, there.

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Married By America

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