AAdrianna gets her big break in the form of a chance to write a duet for herself and Latin heartthrob Javier. The only snag is that she has to do it in two days. Cue massive freak-out, shockingly with no drugs. Progress? Instead she seeks solace in Navid. Lila is shockingly cool about it, having overcome her insecurities about Navid and AAdrianna's relationship. Wouldn't you know as soon as Lila gets too comfortable and stable as a girlfriend, Navid realizes he misses the challenge of a wackadoo junkie girlfriend who'll undoubtedly leave him for John Mayer the minute she hears her own song on the radio. Also, a girlfriend who likes boardwalk carnivals! Yep, that's where Navid inexplicably takes AAdrianna to inspire her to write a duet for her and Javier. Perhaps cotton candy is a suitable substitute for speed after all, because AAdrianna finds her songwriter's voice -- and that voice is Mandy Moore. Her song is chosen, Javier delights in her incisive lyrics, and a new amor has bloomed.
Also feeling the amor are Teddy and Silver. Teddy makes up for keeping Silver from his father by inviting her over for family cookout where she can humiliate herself herself, thank you very much. She insults iconic actor Spence Montgomery on everything from his grilling skills to his film choices. Somehow he still manages to find her charming, then summarily tells Teddy to drop her like a hot potato because he needs to focus on his burgeoning tennis career. Teddy considers it for a full match, but then he wins and realizes that his victories are nothing without Silver. He <3s her.
And as for the hate? Well Naomi has that covered. She enters the episode shattered by the news that Jen's back in town. Despite Liam's incredibly empathetic, kid-gloved approach to her bullshit dilemma, she ends the episode straight-up seething. And how? Basically, Jen's gotten back together with cheating hubby Olivier and convinced him to buy not only the beach club but also Naomi's house. Jen coldly tells the Perma Donna that she has 29 days to vacate, during which time Jen will be bringing in as much noisy, life-destroying construction equipment as possible. Jen turns on a dime just hours later, promising Naomi she can have the house. For anyone whose brains hadn't been addled by curl-enhancing chemicals, it would be a clear signal that something is up. But this is Naomi we're talking about. Mind you, all of this is going on while Liam's life literally comes crashing down around him. In short, he stole some rare coins from his stepfather's collection in the hopes he and his jailbird could use them to start a new life together. Well, prison pappy starts a new life all right, probably down in Mexico, thanks to Liam's stolen coinage. And the poor guy tries to tell Naomi this at least twice, but she's too absorbed in her own drama. Want to know the kicker? She tells Olivier what a stank ho Jen is, thereby sending him hurtling into the lap of another woman and securing $16 million for Jen, thanks to a fidelity agreement she suckered him into during this temporary reconciliation. Also? Jen is now executor of Naomi's trust fund.
And then there were ... The Wilsons, who finally admit that their marriage isn't working. Dixon and Ivy, who grow closer by the minute. Annie, who is as big a brat as ever, except this time her melodrama fits snugly into the hole in Liam's heart; more on that next week, I'm sure. And Matthews, who's a drunk, pier-stumbling, hot dog-eatin' fool!
Previously: Liam's jailbird pops blew into town. Dixon blew his clean high school record by letting some nogoodniks into the school with Harry's keys. And Debbie blew up at Harry for not giving a damn about her (nonexistent) problems, when in fact she was the one who stepped out on him(ish). Teddy's father blew off Teddy at a tennis match -- because he'd never heard of her! And Jen just blows.
West Bev. A clearly distraught Naomi sits in the hall post-SATs. Liam asks her what's wrong, and she updates him that Jen's back in town and pouts that Jen's taken over the beach club -- her beach club. Liam insists that it's not their problem, that there are plenty of places to lay out and order smoothies around L.A., but Naomi's inconsolable. Liam urges her to turn the other cheek and even offers to mist her while she's tanning like the beach club staffers. It's kind of cute. And totally not Liam.
Silver's. Teddy drops by to apologize about the whole "I didn't introduce you to my dad" thing. Silver is loath to take the apology because she's still pretty humiliated. Teddy hems and haws about how his dad's "complicated" and "judgmental." Judgmental totally being the wrong choice because it prompts Silver to ask if she's lower than the esteemed Montgomerys. You know, because movie stars are totally old money and not interchangeable at all. Teddy assures Silver that his dad will like her and that, in fact, it's kind of an honor because he's never liked a girl enough to do the parental meet-and-greet. She ignores how patronizing that crap was and accepts his invitation. They smooch.
Liam's garage. Prison pappy's on the phone negotiating the sale of Liam's stepdad's rare coins. You know, the ones that Liam stole from Male-eficent. Yeah, this is going to end well... So pappy and his shady connection settle on $15,000 and plan to meet at his roach motel in two hours. Liam suggests they celebrate afterward. His face is more hopeful than ever, making it painfully obvious that this harebrained scenario is going to end in heartache.
Ivy's MILF's studio. AAdrianna comes in all impressed that MILF used the phrase "Take five" with the sound engineer. It's almost like someone (*cough* writers *cough*) forgot that AAdrianna used to be a friggin' TV star. Next she'll be marveling about the pointy thing with the fuzzy that they use to catch sound. Sheesh. MILF asks AAdrianna if she'd be interested in recording a duet with Latino heartthrob Javier. AAdrianna pulls out Persons magazine -- double sheesh -- with Javier on the cover and squeals that she's a massive fan. She bought the Christmas album! Can I triple sheesh? Is that even allowed? MILF tells AAdrianna that Javier is going on tour soon, so they're under a bit of a time crunch. The problem isn't scheduling, though, it's Javier's idea of hit music. She plays the sample, and it sounds a bit like Nelly Furtado's Timbaland phase threw up on Jim Verraros. (Remember him? Idol Season 1, what?!) Clearly this isn't "edgy" enough for MILF, so AAdrianna offers to try to write something herself. Because this would totally happen in real life, MILF gives the chance of a lifetime to the untested rookie who can do a passable Kate Nash impression.