Melrose Place

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Pretty Woman

Remember how Jonah skipped out on Riley at the end of last episode to go have drinks with Kendra the movie executive? He's still there! And he's having the time of his life. They're definitely enjoying each other's company, even as they argue over their taste in directors. Jonah obviously has his hard-on for Tarantino, but Kendra finally sets his ass straight. According to Kendra, it's all about Kubrick, baby. Riley who? They agree to disagree, and Kendra decides to take their friendship to the next level. I like how quickly this girl works. She wants to know about Jonah, like, know about him. She reaches out and rests her hand on his. "The Jonah Miller story starts out slow, but then there are a few good twists," he says. Oh, God, I hope so.

We cut to Ella lying on her apartment floor doing crunches and I cut to needing oxygen as the camera pans over her taut, contracting... ihagwixgev3nas. Lauren comes home from what we can assume was some whoring. She's surprised to find Ella home, to which Ella replies she had a client cancel a meeting. Naturally, Ella senses an opportunity to be nosey about her friend. All of the signs seem to point to Lauren sleeping with a married guy. I'm sure there have been some married men in there somewhere, Ella. There's some effort from Ella to try to get Lauren to confide, but nothing doing.

Back at the bar of infidelity, Jonah is finishing up telling some unfunny anecdote involving a guy running from a dog while carrying a chicken. This guy -- full of win. Coming down from the laughter high, Jonah is so happy he's found someone who "gets [his] vision" and he tells Kendra so. He stops himself so he can tell himself that he can't believe he said that without irony. I can't believe this guy is talking to himself and still attracting this woman. He forgot to address himself as "self" first. That's probably how he's doing this. Kendra has seen enough. She's ready to flop the river Yahtzee. Very deliberately, she shifts on her barstool to lean in and kiss Jonah. Jonah doesn't back away; at least, not at first he doesn't. The little angel on Jonah's shoulder which is probably the guy who's kept Jonah and Riley together this whole time (we hate him, yes?) makes Jonah reveal to Kendra that he is engaged. She, of course, flips and calls for the check. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Jonah.

H2O TITLE CARD

At Coal, Auggie's doing his cook thing. Violet comes in to gush from at least two orifices about Auggie's awesomeness. OK, I apologize; that was terrible, but it's totally what's happening. She's going on about how what Auggie is cooking smells great. Auggie offers to let her try it, but instructs her to close her eyes first. Not sure why, but Violet is hesitant to do so. Finally, she agrees and Auggie proceeds to spoon feed her his concoction. She chews, eyes closed for way too long. She points out she noticed a hint of saffron. I'm just mad about saffron. Auggie seems impressed Violet has developed a bit of a palate. Just then, Marcello comes in to talk shit like is his wont. He takes the opportunity to zing Violet this time as well, wondering aloud if Violet's next aspiration is to be a cook. Auggie starts to tell Marcello about his latest food invention, but Marcello isn't sold on the idea. Auggie convinces him to try it after they argue over the culinary theory behind his concept. Marcello has to try really hard this time not to be impressed. Auggie hopes that if he makes some changes, this dish can be considered to be on the new menu Marcello is making at the request of Mason, the owner of Coal. Marcello thinks not. Violet tries to defend Auggie's work, saying she would order it if it was on the menu. "Not in this restaurant," is Marcello's reply. It's like he's their asshole father telling them that while they're under his roof, they'll eat pork chops -- only a lot less macho. The guy's wearing a smock, for crying out loud.

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Melrose Place

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