We're back! And so is the same "last time, on Melrose Place" clip! I guess I'll let it slide since we are returning from a long break. Welcome back, everyone, but don't get too comfy; it's time to deal with the fallout from last time. Are you excited? I'm excited. Let's do it to it.
Lauren is still in the hospital after being drugged by her last hooker client. Though David is sure she overdosed, she isn't forthcoming with the truth. She makes up a lie about going to see an ex-boyfriend who was a jerk and trying to break things off with him, only to be drugged. David manages to sneak a glance at Lauren's phone and grab the guy's phone number. He tracks him down and beats his ass without putting two and two together when the guy outright calls Lauren a whore. Lauren -- being the super doctor she is -- checks herself out of the hospital to avoid further embarrassment in the eyes of her colleagues, but not before spotting the guy beaten to a pulp in a hospital bed. She makes sure to threaten him not to file charges against David or reveal to anyone that she's a slut in disguise. When Lauren returns to David, he is -- of course -- oblivious and Lauren escapes yet another brush with whore exposure. They make love and all is forgotten.
Meanwhile, Amanda has shacked up with "the most interesting man in the world" in his prime. Do people still say "shacked up?" There will be a huge party to celebrate Amanda's return to LA, and Dos Equis Man hints that he might have something special to give her and to announce at the party. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Amanda snags Ella to make sure the night's proceedings will be as perfect as possible. That means there better not be a damn lily in sight. The night goes anything but perfectly. It turns out even the Dos Equis guy can make mistakes sometimes. Instead of proposing, he presents Amanda with the keys to a brand new Bentley and then gets caught tying a necklace intended for Amanda around Ella's supple, young neck. Amanda plays off all the embarrassment by first taking Ella down a peg, making sure she understand there's no universe in which Ella could threaten her and by acting disinterested in marriage when her bearded boyfriend realizes his mistake. To top things off, Amanda still hasn't found her painting (just like we haven't found a reason why this should be a storyline). She will have to do some leg work on her own, it seems.
Here's the big resolution we've been waiting for. Ella and Jonah wake up next to each other with Ella all smiles and Jonah all non-committal about coming clean to Riley. This time he doesn't have some dirt on Riles to balance out his confession, so this might take a while. Jonah returns home, half-way intending to confess, but can't bring himself to do it in the tear-stained face of his fiancée. Ella is mortified when she realizes later at Amanda's party Jonah still hasn't told Riley. It takes Riley attempting to physically rekindle their relationship for Jonah's guilty conscience to finally flip out. He sits Riley down and confesses. She leaves without waiting for an explanation. Ella catches Jonah on his way through The Complex Courtyard on his way home, hoping to pick up the pieces, but Jonah spots Riley crying by the pool. He declines an invite to stay the night with Ella, instead crashing on David's couch. Ouch. Looks like they're going to drag this one out, guys.
We all knew this was coming, so here goes. Auggie has returned to the bottle and Violet can't stand being in The Complex after killing her mom's murderer in the swimming pool. Ella happens to need one more convenient food-related favor from Auggie because Amanda has fired the caterers Ella had lined up for the big party. On short notice, Auggie is willing to take the job since he was fired from Coal. That's all well and good, but he can't control his inner demons. He starts downing the cooking wine as he looks longingly at Riley, who shows up at the party with Violet. Violet notices Auggie has lost control. Her idea is for them to leave LA and get away from their problems. As much as this tries to be understated and beautiful, it feels way more like what it is -- and if you read the gossip rags, you know what it is. Auggie and Violet simply pack up their apartments the next morning and take off into the sunset on Auggie's motorcycle. He leaves a note for Riley wishing her nothing but happiness. Goodbye, Auggie and Violet. It was... swell. I'll miss your eyes.
It's been a long time. It feels good to be back. And let's be honest with ourselves; we may not have much longer together. Let's enjoy it while we can, K? K.
We return with a montage of panning overhead shots of all our familiar faces lying in bed. Lauren is in a hospital bed with a breathing tube. Violet and Auggie are sprawled out in his apartment and Auggie has a bottle in his hand. Riley starts awake, her face stained with tears, thinking she heard Jonah come home, but he hasn't. We pan next across underwear and clothes strewn upon the floor of Jonah and Ella's hotel room...
...They wake up all smiles together. It's the scene we've all seen in the promos during the hiatus. Jonah can't believe what they did and Ella can't believe they did it twice. Ella springs out of bed, suggesting they get a big room service breakfast as Jonah checks his phone. He has a bajillion messages from Riley. And he's not even smooth about telling Ella he values Riley's peace of mind over being with her after their night together. It's like, "Yeah, you're great... but Riley called me. Mmsorrygottagobye!" To make matters worse, when Ella suggests Jonah tell Riley right away what happened between them, he doesn't seem like he's too enthusiastic about it. Ella just reminds him Riley has no idea what she wants, but Ella is very clear that she does. She kisses Jonah.
Close-up of a BlackBerry text message being typed. "All set for today. I need you to find it." Turns out it's Amanda's phone, which is promptly swiped out of her hands by a bearded man who politely quips, "Your adoring boyfriend says no BlackBerrys in bed." I guess he's her boyfriend. Appropriately enough, Amanda seems to be dating the most interesting man in the world. She doesn't even seem irritated with the phone snatching. The Dos Equis Man lays out a tray of champagne and pulls out a shoe box for Amanda. She gasps at her new Zanottis. I won't pretend I know what Zanottis are, but I assume they're not cheap. Somebody buy me some, please. We find out Dos Equis is named Ben and he has a special gift surprise for Amanda at a party they're having this evening. The hints are: it will show everyone how much he loves Amanda, it's rare and matches her sparking eyes. Amanda gets a gleam in her eye that says, "Oh shits! Diamonds!" They kiss as we fade out in romantic bliss.
Blurry fade into Lauren lying motionless on a hospital bed. David walks in with flowers. He teases her about this being a stunt to identify with what her patients go through. Man, David is so sweet to Lauren. I wish someone would treat me like that after finding me cracked out on a hotel room floor dressed like I'm selling my flesh. Lauren starts lying about simply passing out from after hours drinks with her colleagues, but David knows better. He asks what really happened. And this is pretty awesome: Lauren is really ashamed and delivers this line like a child who doesn't want to disappoint -- "Promise not to get mad at me." David promises and Lauren's demeanor shifts to blunt confession. "I went to meet a guy." David sits up straight. She continues on about going to meet him at the hotel and she doesn't take any precautions to make this sound good to David for a few statements before she clarifies she intended to tell the guy she couldn't see him anymore. That's when he drugged her, she says, and took off because he freaked out about her reaction. David wants to know who this guy is. A nurse walks in and interrupts because Lauren needs some tests run. They wheel out her hospital bed and David sneaks a peek at Lauren's phone to snag the guy's phone number.
STILL WATERY TITLE CARD
Ella walks into The Complex Courtyard looking a bit disheveled. She stops to take off her sunglasses to verify she's really seeing Amanda moving into her penthouse apartment. This also reveals smudged eye make-up as if she's been crying following Jonah's being non-committal. Nice subtle detail. Elle tries to sneak past the movers without Amanda noticing her, but to no avail. Amanda wants to talk about her party, but not before taking one look at Ella to comment she'll need to take her mind off her one-night stand first. Ella denies it being a one-night stand. "Well, you keep telling yourself that," Amanda coldly replies. Turns out Amanda is unhappy with the caterers they have hired (formerly Gwen Stefani's caterers) and has fired them. Ella needs to find someone to provide food for Amanda's party on short notice. Gee, I wonder who she'll turn to. Amanda insists she better get someone good because Ben has hinted at this being a special night. Also, she wants all of The Complex tenants to be in attendance. Ella's not sure that's a possibility, but, you know, Amanda wants it so. You can do it, Elle!
Cut to Riley receiving a text about the party from Ella as she organizes Jonah's comic book collection at The Destroyed Love Nest. How sad is that? Jonah walks in. He starts trying to set up the bomb, but Riley is completely apologetic and understanding of his anger. Big ups to Jessica Lucas in this scene. She looks utterly pathetic. Her eyes are red and she keeps this smile on her lips hopeful that they might work this out. Mostly, she's just glad to have Jonah back in the same room. Her idea is for them to go back to the way things were before their engagement. They were happy before the stresses of getting married. Jonah sees through this plan. Basically, she wants him to commit to someone who doesn't want to commit. Riley believes they owe it to themselves to try and make this work. Jonah's not convinced. Hard to say no to that face, though.
Ella is already at Auggie's, trying to get some short-notice catering. He's grateful for the opportunity after losing his job at Coal. Elle spots a bottle of alkeehall and begins giving him the third degree. Auggie claims he was trying out a new shrimp recipe with tequila lime sauce. Ella's not buying it. She makes him promise he won't screw this up. "Don't test me. Half my clients are in rehab." Love, love, love.
David's on his laptop, entering the phone number he swiped from Lauren's phone into a tracking service. He writes down the address of the guy who drugged Lauren, puts it in his pocket and starts to walk out. He's met with Jonah at his door. He'd like to know if he could crash on David's couch. This is somewhat funny. Pre-emptive doghouse planning. He starts out saying he just needs a quiet workspace, but then reveals the wedding is off. Then he admits he slept with Ella. David thinks Jonah should keep it to himself. "So, what? I'm supposed to carry around this massive secret around for the rest of my life?" "Exactly," says David. For-ev-er.
Outdoors at Ben's Estate where the party will be, Ella is on the phone leaving a message on Jonah's voicemail while ordering people around. She's wondering if she'll see him at the party. She has a worried look on her face.
Indoors at Ben's Estate, Auggie is being the chef, explaining to his cooks how to complete one of his recipes. Ella walks in to check on him and there's a cute little exchange as Ella picks up a glass of clear liquid and asks if Auggie is OK. She starts sipping from the glass and Auggie encourages her to finish it off as she can always get more from the tap. Ella gags and spits out the water. She just wants to make sure Auggie's on top of things because she knows how itchy Amanda's firing finger is. Ella makes some declarations about how barbaric Amanda can be when Ben walks in and finishes off Ella's assertion by claiming Amanda bathes in the blood of her victims. He introduces himself, but Ella already knows all about him, including that he is dating Amanda and just heard everything she said. Ben is super cool, though. Everything he does is to make sure we know how cool he is. He's carrying a box of impressive wines that catch Auggie's eye. Amanda enters and Ben covers for Ella's behind-Amanda's-back trash talking. He winks at Ella. How cool.
Riley's checking her mail, which includes a letter about the honeymoon arrangements she an