Melrose Place

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Pablo G: C | Grade It Now!
The Wondrous Boat Ride
what she does for a living and if she's interested in fashion. Ella walks over to Anton to keep him happy, but he's still focused on Riley. He has decided he wants Riley to be the face of his press kit and ad campaign. Ella lets out a sharp laugh almost instantaneously with her realizing her client isn't joking.

It's bright afternoon out at the harbor and a line of high-class (I guess?) hookers in brightly colored nightclub "dresses" and platform heels walk in a line down the docks up to a large yacht. Their walking in formation is intercut with flashes of people preparing the boat for the party, putting bottles of champagne in ice buckets and arranging edible sculptures. Once on the boat, Lauren stands against the railing by herself when a fellow lady of the night comes up to her all excited because she feels like she's in the South of France. Poor girl equates a shitty harbor with the South of France. My goodness, these are the hookers of tomorrow? At least Lauren has the sense to know this is nothing like that famous locale. Hooker can sense that Lauren is uncomfortable being at her first prostitute party. She offers Lauren something to calm her nerves, but Lauren declines. Hooker understands and tells Lauren to just go with the flow. Sometimes the guys like to "keep it one-on-one other times they like to watch us together," Hooker says. That's what you tell a newcomer to put her mind at ease? Before Lauren can let out the same look of horror that's on my face right now, Hooker assures Lauren that she'll look out for her. Love that we never learned Hooker's name. It lets me keep calling her Hooker.

Upstairs at the fashion shoot, Anton and Ella wait around as Caleb walks up the steps. They've apparently called him in from a Lakers preseason game. Anton wants to trade Sasha Vujacic. This guy has just redeemed himself with me. Caleb asks Anton what the deal is with his fascination with Riley. What's happened is he's realized he's been selling his Real Denim to fake people (Ella takes offense). Something about Riley just seemed to click for Anton. He wants his campaign to be about selling Real Denim for Real People. I guess that would make sense. Caleb asks if Anton intends on just abandoning his current campaign. When Anton doesn't really answer, Caleb caves on his own and agrees with the plan. It's funny to see Caleb's normally hard ass compromising in the pursuit of ass. Anton leaves and Ella starts in on Caleb about it being their job as publicists to protect their clients from themselves. It becomes clear Ella is mostly against Riley. Caleb basically ignores Ella's valid points about Riley's inexperience and just says to have her there for the shoot first thing in the morning. Elle (I'm going to spell this every way possible before it's all said and done) is outright stunned. Have you ever seen a stunner get stunned?

Michael walks into Coal. He goes straight to the bar and finds Violet. Violet looks ecstatic to see him and immediately starts schmoozing. There's this golden exchange. Violet: "How many lives did you save today?" Michael: "Uh... Three." Violet: "You must be starving." These people are serious. Like, for serious. Violet pulls out a menu and starts picking food items out that she's going to comp for Michael. He says she doesn't need to do that, but Violet insists. "You took care of me earlier and now I'm going to take care of you." Mmhmm.

Love nest. Jonah is trying to edit his footage from earlier and Riley starts talking honeymoon. They start getting further into their romantic plans when Ella walks in with champagne to celebrate Riley's modeling debut. They're both like, "Whaaaaaa? MOD-DEL-ING?" Riley thinks she's being mocked. Oh, but you are, Riles. Every single moment of your life someone, somewhere is taking up the vigilance of the night patrol that is your mockery. Riley is damn opposed to the idea. Damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed! Public speaking makes her break out in hives. OK...? Models don't need to open their mouths ever. Not even to eat. Hi-oooh! Riley clarifies she is only comfortable speaking in front of six-year-olds. Something tells me she just feels like they're operating on the same level. Ella starts reassuring her that all of this will be handled by the best in the profession who will make sure she looks gorgeous. Jonah in the background looks comically like he's going to piss himself with pride. Then Ella casually mentions she will probably be able to budget Riley's pay out at $10,000. Jonah and Riley's jaws hit the floor. You mean 10,000 United States Dollars? Riley still doesn't bite so Ella bites back. "Come on! It's not like handing out juice boxes at the daycare center." Oh, Ella. Riley lists lots of reasons why this would be bad for her students. Ella without conscience: "Kids are resilient. They'll get over it." Jonah joins in and they gang up on her. Riley still says no. Ella can't believe it. She calls Riley selfish and walks out.

At the sex boat, Lauren asks Hooker who these guys are that will be their clients for the night. Hooker imparts some ancient whore wisdom: never ask who your clients are. Then she goes on to relay she heard they are involved in importing/exporting. Vandalay Industries much? But seriously these guys are the Middle Eastern American Stereotype Mafia. Lauren walks off to go checking out the guys as they approach from the port side (or is that starboard side?) and spots David. This boat just got rocked.


We're back on the boat. Lauren is trying to figure out how to avoid David. Once he passes by without noticing Lauren, she decides she might as well start spying on him to find out what he's doing on a hooker mafia boat. She observes him talking to Hassan for a little bit. Hassan tells David to make himself at home and find himself a girl he likes. Lauren grabs Hooker to use her as cover so David won't see her and lets her know what's going on. Lauren insists she needs to get off the boat. When David and Hassan walk off together, Lauren makes her move upstairs with Hooker following close behind. Hooker stops on the staircase to look back at David who turns and notices her. Upstairs, Hooker tells Lauren that if she bails, she'll incur the wrath of Wendi. Lauren: staying is not an option. She'll deal with Wendi later. When great minds are backed into a corner, they come up with brilliant plans. Here's what these women come up with. David comes upstairs and Hooker plants her mouth on his face while Lauren sneaks by and goes downstairs. Sheer genius. Lauren gets off the boat and books it. She runs through the night, cocktail dress flapping in the wind.

At Coal, Michael and Violet are finishing up shots. He offers to pay for the drinks, but Violet declines. He promises he'll take care of her later... "with a very big tip." Just the tip? He's then interrupted by a phone call from his wife Vanessa. She complains to him about them needing to find a nanny to which he responds he's put out an ad in search of one. Violet is listening intently. Michael lies to Vanessa about where he is, saying he's at a birthday party for a co-worker. They end their call and Violet infers that he has to go. Michael says yes, but he's had a great time. He leaves. Violet watches him go and plucks out the cherry from her drink and eats it with spite.

Riley sits by the roaring fireplace of The Love Nest. Jonah enters with pineapple peanut butter ice cream. "Could be genius. Could be deadly," he theorizes. Riley isn't too concerned with a sugar coma. She's more concerned with a message from a property management company saying their rent check bounced. Jonah assures Riley that everything's all right and he'll straighten it out tomorrow with the bank. Riley let's it go, but still looks concerned as she suggests they watch The Princess Bride on cable. At least you can't say these characters have bad taste. Jonah can't watch, though, because he has to finish editing Anton's stuff. Jonah kisses Riley and walks off, looking like he hopes she'll reconsider her modeling offer.

Michael is sitting in his

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Melrose Place




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