Melrose Place

Episode Report Card
Pablo G: B | Grade It Now!
Further Down the Spiral


WoodwardPK. Amanda is WebMDing her chest pains and shortness of breath. She has to cut out her in-depth sleuthing when Ben walks in bearing gifts. Amanda takes notice of a kiddie bandage on Ben's thumb, which Ben admits was given to him by Ms. Riley Richardson. Amanda thanks Ben for putting up with Riley's inanity. How come nobody ever thanks us? Ben, however, reveals he liked Riley's pitch and hired her. Amanda is mortified.

Lauren's still at ULA. She tries to make a payment to her tuition, only to find out her $16,000 balance has been paid off overnight. Who could've done that? Lauren tracks down Dr. Mancini to tell him she can't accept the payment, but Michael plays dumb... er... dumber than usual. Drew interrupts to introduce himself to Michael and tell him how big a fan he is. "Means nothing to me," Michael says and walks away, leaving Drew with his outstretched hand unshaken. Lauren smirks.

Riley receives a phone call from Jonah as she comes home to The Empty Nest. He awkwardly makes his request for her to come meet Owen. He loses his gall halfway through and tells Riley it was unfair to ask her to do this for him, but the seed has already been planted in Riley's head.

Michael sits at home watching TV when there's a knock at the door. It's David. Michael lets him in and David says "I don't want to fight." Remember this. David tries to convince Michael that Vanessa's death wasn't his fault, but nothing doin'. Michael makes a very convincing case against himself: everything he touches falls apart. So true, Michael. It's at this opportune time of self-reflection that David chooses to reveal that the one thing Michael thinks he has left does not actually belong to him. He tells Michael that Noah is really his. The doctor slugs his son and David retaliates, knocking Michael through a pane of glass and leaving him beaten on the floor. He said he didn't want to fight.


In his office, Michael stitches up his own face. Amanda walks in to ask about her heart problem. Michael is apparently not too depressed to quip that he thought Amanda didn't have a heart. Still, he gives her a brief chest exam (not that kind) and determines it's not her heart. Her symptoms seem to point to panic attacks. He asks what her stresses are, but Amanda won't reveal anything. Michael writes her a prescription.

Manchild Raceway. While Jonah and Owen race, Riley shows up and is met by Ella. There's surprisingly little animosity between the two. Riley just wants to get this over with. Owen and Jonah walk up and Owen is so excited to see Riley. He grabs her by the face like she's his little toy to be examined. Later, the four of them sit on bleachers while Jonah and Riley tell their stupid relationship stories. Let's just say it involves a sumo wrestler costume and Jonah doing a Darth Vader impression. You're better off not knowing. Ella is visibly uncomfortable hearing these stories. Owen's having a blast. The sumo suit story, however, touches on the theme of fate and gives Riley the opportunity to let some of her trademark indecision peek out. Jonah and Ella sense where this is going and -- sure enough -- Riley has a Riles moment, blowing up about this whole charade and revealing the engagement is off. She storms off and Ella gives chase, leaving Jonah to try and spin this for Owen, but it's too late. Owen is out.


Ella follows after Riley's tantrum. She tries to get Riley to realize what she is doing to Jonah, but Riley turns it all around into an indictment of Ella. She calls Ella a home-wrecker with nothing but one-night engagements to show for herself. She will never win over Jonah's heart, Riley assesses. She walks off, leaving Ella rocked to her core.

Back at ULA, it's time for more competitive flirtation between Lauren and Dr. Drew. An emergency patient comes in on a stretcher, but she's an uncooperative teen. She refuses testing from Lauren and a nurse. Drew asks if he can try. He sits down on the young girl's bed with his chart and begins pretending to write whatever he feels like. The patient becomes total putty in his hands. Lauren is impressed. She walks off and calls her old mistress, Wendi. With her tuition paid off, Lauren is handing in her hooker resignation. Wendi reminds Lauren she owes her a favor and there happens to be one last job tonight. Lauren has no choice but to accept.

At WPK, Jonah and Riley lament their separate but related woes. Jonah feels he can't get anything right. Ella sort of helps out that theory by telling Jonah she doesn't think they can work out. Her vulnerability here catches Jonah's attention and gives him the idea to rewrite his script to reflect the reality of the current situation in hopes of winning Owen over. He will change the ending after "bouncing some ideas" off Ella. He kisses her.


At The Complex Pool, there's a skeleton floating in a pool chair, wearing sunglasses with a sign that reads "Don't forget to wear your sunscreen!" Hilarious, I tell you. Riley and Lauren wonder about it when Drew walks into the courtyard to point out it's a cautionary tale he set up. Riley invites him over to talk despite Lauren's protest. David enters and introduces himself to Drew. Lauren sees David's wounds from his fights and practically licks them. Drew seems perturbed. Ben enters from upstairs with a disheveled tux. This is becoming a party! He and Riley talk briefly until Amanda comes downstairs and has a slight panic attack at the sight of her boyfriend inviting Riley to take a private jet with him to check out some schools in DC. Amanda snags Ben away from Riley's clutches. Jonah and Ella enter. They reveal to the group the new idea about a rewrite of the screenplay. Riley asks what the change is. Ella pleasantly replies that the change involves the main characters ending their relationship. David and Lauren's jaws drop. Lauren receives the hooker signal on her phone from Wendi and excuses herself, but now there's another doctor present, so her excuse about being paged at the hospital is becoming transparent. Drew offers to go with her and she has to shrug him off. She walks off with David. Jonah and Ella leave as well, leaving Riley alone with the new guy. They get to know each other a little bit. Can see where this is going.

Lauren knocks on a hotel door. The door opens and... it's Michael!

Jonah and Riley get it on again. Yawn.

Back in Awkwardville, Lauren and Michael are in a "cover my ass" stand-off. Lauren promises not to reveal to anyone Michael's involvement with an escort service and claims this was her first time. Michael knows better since Wendi billed Lauren as her best girl. Dr. Mancini figures he can get more out of this than just a half and half. He wants David to feel the utter heart-break and sorrow he has felt. What better way than to blackmail his hooker girlfriend into breaking up with him? There is no better way, my friends.

-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.

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Melrose Place




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