Chieftain. Theresa introduces Jewel, and she sings some crap I've never heard before -- which just means it's neither "Foolish Games" nor that song from the Intuition ads. Marin steals in and sits next to Annie at the bar. Theresa joins in on the chorus, and then Jack also comes in and finds a seat. Jewel finishes her one-set song and thanks Elmo for loaning her their waitress. Quietly, Jewel asks Theresa if she'd consider coming on tour with her again, and before we can hear Theresa's answer...it's commercials. I WONDER WHAT SHE'LL DO! (You guys...I actually don't.)

After the commercials, Patrick and Celia are watching their movie (Patrick duly duded up) when Mai comes to the door. Patrick goes to get it, but Celia holds him down and stalks into the doorway, as soundalike High Noon music cloys on the soundtrack. Mai asks where Patrick is. He pipes up to say he's right there, but Celia talks over him, saying he's where he's supposed to be. Mai says that he's supposed to be with her tonight. Celia snaps that Patrick's with her: "He doesn't need you." Mai calmly says that Patrick likes her more. Patrick asks them to stop fighting, but Celia tells him to stay out of it. "Listen to your mother!" snaps Mai. In Chinese, Patrick tells Mai not to tell him what to do, and Mai shoots back that he shouldn't yell at her. Celia tells them both that they're all going to speak English, and then gives Mai a test to prove her fitness to be Patrick's mother: "Do you know why he won't mix fruit and chocolate?...Or why he can't look a reindeer in the eye?" "You can't?" Mai asks Patrick quizzically. Looking down, Patrick shakes his head no. Hee. Celia winds up by asking whether Mai knows what Patrick's favorite Christina Aguilera song is, but before Mai can guess "Beautiful," Patrick blows up, telling them both to shut their "crap traps." Mai needles Celia about the "nice manners" she taught him, but Patrick breaks in to say he can't have them fighting: "I love you both." Celia is shocked that Patrick loves Mai, as is Mai herself, but that seems to be enough to satisfy her, and she flounces out. "Well, don't leave all mad," says Patrick. "Mad?!" squeals Mai, thrilled. "My boy loves me! I'll see you next Tuesday -- internet mah jongg!" Once she's gone, Celia asks again if Patrick loves her. "Not like I love you," says Patrick wearily. "But more family means more love to go around." Celia, defeated, tells Patrick to go sit down: "Before someone else falls in love with you."