Hey, y'all! It's great to be back. Except...not really, because Milena? Yowzers.
Anyone around here noticing a trend? It's not just that these women are spiteful, hateful, joyless individuals. It's also that they surround themselves with people who never have enough sack to ante up and tell them how much they suck. Milena is yet another Lifezilla, the type of person who's only happy when making others miserable.
I would feel bad for her mother if she wasn't such an enabler. I would feel bad for Adi, her groom-to-be, if he hadn't decided to marry her! Milena bitches and contradicts herself all the way through the ceremony on into the reception, and stops just short of strangling her sister in-law during her speech with Adi (which, what the...?).
Two words, folks. Cathedral veil. Who are these people?
[Stretches neck. Cracks knuckles. Breathes deeply.]
Hey, everybody! Great to be back. Well, you know, in Brooklyn at least.
So. Milena, huh? Real prize, that one.
We start with the usual montage of bitchiness, with shot after shot of Milena making ass-face, and bitching about her future MIL, and getting her goddamn cathedral veil caught on various things. I don't get the whole cathedral-veil thing. Like, you're not royalty. You're not even close. You can't even utter a single sentence without the word "fuck" in it. What makes you think you're so special? I think it's just a device that modern brides use to ensure that people pay attention to them. Yet, oddly enough, Milena doesn't have anybody carrying hers for her, so what's the effing point? Whatevs. I'll save it for later.
Goddamn theme song. I didn't miss that, I can tell you right now. "Can't talk to her / can't kill her." Shut. Up.
Speaking of the shitty music on this show, what's up with the frenetic clap-fest they use to introduce Milena? I just don't get it. What are they trying to go for? Is there some genre that they're trying to simultaneously pay homage to whilst reinventing it? Could that genre be found in the "suck" section of your local FYE? I think so. I digress.
Milena, who's 23, met Adi, 30, at college. He's a (late-blooming) law student, and she...well, she probably majored in communications or something. Adi: "I was interested. She has a beautiful smile, and that obviously draws attention." I'll admit, she does have a nice smile, but it's not something we see very often this episode. Just sayin'. Mindy? How 'bout saying something stupid? "When Adi finally proposed, it was like something out of Sleeping Beauty." Because he proposed to her when she was waking up in the morning. Good one, Mindy. Mindy totally has that newscaster way of speaking, where she uses that sort of Colbert-esque cadence. You know what I mean. She sucks. You know who also sucks? Milena, who was none too happy with Adi's choice of what I call Prop-Meth (proposal method). "I didn't expect anything too over the top, but I expected a little bit of something." Care to elaborate? ... Guess not.
Apparently, when it comes to the wedding, Milena is "all about flair," because her once $60,000 wedding has now doubled in cost, which...yikes. Milena: "I was shocked." Yet, still you persisted in getting all the shit you don't need. Dickhead! "It's kind of a 'worldwind.'" (Thanks, closed captioning. I thought I was the only one who caught that.) "I didn't think it would be that expensive to, you know, follow through with." Then maybe you shouldn't follow through with it, and save the money for a mortgage or a Jaguar or something.
[sniff, sniff] Do you guys smell what I smell? That's right: the BZ climb-up. "All the wedding planning has turned Milena, once a girl with romance in her heart, into a woman with rage in her soul. A big-mouthed, loud-mouthed, potty-mouthed...Briiiiiiidezillaaaaaa!" Cue hard rock. Cue montage. Let's get clippy with it: "I'm gonna fucking kill that cunt." "The whole fucking world does not revolve around her own stupid family." "She needs to run." "I really don't have the best anger-management skills." "I want my fucking flower girls here. If you have to bring them here on a leash, I don't care." "Can you stop and leave me alone?" "It's my wedding, I want things to go my way." "Which fucking cunt in that family made everyone so late?" "Like the saying goes: 'Don't mess with a woman scorned, or whatever.'" Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it goes.