Bridezillas
Milena

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The Warpath 2: Electric Milenaloo

As the score gets all clap-happy again, we see Milena applying some lipstick. She then goes out to her car, which has a Bush/Cheney sticker on it (as if we needed any more proof...). It seems that today is Milena's bridal shower. Mindy: "Though her friends and family have gathered to shower her with gifts and affection, Milena still finds something to complain about." She's pissed because her mother and all of her friends are speaking Polish. And let me just say that there is one woman there, sitting at the far right of the frame when they show Milena's mom, whose outfit is one of the most heinous things I have ever seen anyone wear. It looks like a default Windows desktop fucked a cheetah, and the resulting offspring was a lime-green spandex monstrosity that was born without shoulders. My kingdom for a screen-grab of that shit, because...nasty. Anyway, Milena's sister, Aneta (who has a very strong Polish accent, while Milena has none), stands up and gives a very drunken speech. "You look beautiful, and you will look even more beautiful in two days. I can't believe it! You're my little sister and you're getting married!" Like, thanks, sis. Nobody knew. Mindy? "When Milena's future sister-in-law leaves the party early for a birthday party for her son, Milena goes on a bad-mouthing bender!" Oh, Jesus, Mindy. "She was an hour late and now she wants to leave early? The world does not revolve around her own stupid family. She can have the birthday party whenever, I'm getting married just once." Yeah, but it's her son, asshole! What makes you think the world revolves around your fucking wedding day, you self-centered little nothing? Everyone at the table seems a little uncomfortable because she speaking so loudly, and Aneta keeps trying to shut her up, to no avail. You know what? I don't care.

Commercial time. Sweet, sweet commercial time.

Clap, clap clap-clap. Clap. Hate. So, seeing as it's her mother's birthday, Milena's treating her to...a bunch of fucking wedding errands, which...weak, dude. Immediately, Milena is up her mom's asshole about the outstanding RSVPs, which, okay. If my mom had been as lackadaisical about calling her outstandings, I would have probably gotten a bit vexed and been all, WTF? But Milena takes being a little peeved to a whole new level. "Why can't you call whatever friend of yours, and instead of BSing about Loehmann's or shopping or whatever, just ask them where they want to sit and what they want to eat?" Dude, go easy. It's her birthday! Why can't you call?

At the reception venue, Milena's not pickin' up what they're puttin' down, if you knawm sayin'. She's upset because she's having the reception at what seems to be a dance club, and it's all black inside. So, you know what you do? You don't have a fucking wedding reception inside a fucking dance club. You choose a different venue, you know, like, one that can actually accommodate your "vision" for your wedding. Idiot.

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Bridezillas

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