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The Warpath 2: Electric Milenaloo

Milena's getting her makeup done, and wants to know where her sister is. When her mom offers to call, Milena says, "Tell her to get her fucking ass over here or there's going to be a funeral tomorrow." Apparently, all the girls went downstairs together to have a smoke, and this pisses Milena off because there's nobody left upstairs to pay attention to her except for her mother, whom she clearly hates. When her sister finally returns and explains that she went to have a drink (as you do), Milena is...well, still pissed. "You fucks started drinking without me? You didn't bring me anything?" She's like a sailor, this one.

Someone reveals to Milena that it's 3:30 PM, and she still has another half hour of hair time before they can put the dress on. The wedding is supposed to start at 5:00 PM, and now Milena's flipping out again because she's worried it won't start on time. So everyone goes into panic mode, and starts squeezing her into the dress. She bitches and moans the whole time, naturally. What a pain in the ass. Then the cathedral veil, which...blech. And the jewelry. Her mom starts crying (again), and Milena tells her to shut up (again). And...they're off!

Because she's wearing a fucking cathedral veil, she has an impossible time getting into the limo. There's a lot of what the closed captioning calls "arguing / cursing in a foreign language," which is fun for everyone involved, except for me. And you, I hope. Mindy comments that "in the limousine, Milena's anger reaches a crescendo." I don't really understand that remark. It's like saying her anger "reaches a reaching." Or "reaches a climbing." The crescendo represents the actual increase in whatever action it is you're referring to, not the peak to which the action aspires. Short version: shut the fuck up, Mindy. Milena: "I seriously fucking feel like fucking knocking the fucking shit out of somebody at this point." Way to enjoy your wedding day, dickhead. "By the time the fucking ceremony starts, it's gonna be fucking pitch-black outside. How the fuck are we gonna take fucking fuckedy fuck-fuck picfucktures?" Dude. Pissed! She sucks, man, I'm sorry. Well, not really. I'm glad she's not getting any enjoyment out of her day.

Now, we have a montage of all the girls arriving at the ceremony site (which kind of looks like a golf course), and Milena bitching nonstop about virtually everything she can and cussing like a drunken uncle. She's atrocious. Most of the shit she's complaining about is totally not a big deal, and she keeps threatening to "kill somebody, seriously."

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