Mind of the Married Man
Anywhere, Anytime

Episode Report Card
Aaron: F | Grade It Now!
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Buh-bye, Binder!

Aaron: Ooh, good flick.
Chris Albrecht: I'll say.
Aaron: So Binder doesn't have dirty pictures of you?
Chris Albrecht: Hey! There's nothing dirty about sheep. It's a perfectly natural biological response to long periods of isolation, and even if it weren't, I still don't know what you're talking about.
Aaron: Dude. Relax. I'm just glad you didn't say Ewoks.

Incidentally, there'll be no witty meta-reference to whatever plays over the "Written by: Mike Binder" credit this week. That's mainly because Mike Binder didn't write this week's episode. I don't really have anything else to add to that statement, but since the mere fact of it alone is the best thing to ever happen to this series, I felt it deserved it's own paragraph. Moving on.

At the office, Jake arrives, and is told by his secretary that "she's waiting for [him]." Jake, much like everyone else, assumes she's talking about Eileen, so he's shocked to find the Computer Conslutant sitting behind his desk. He quickly tries to shuffle her out the door, and so of course Eileen is waiting for them just outside. The ladies exchange bitter looks, and the secretary chimes in once more, adding, "Your wife is on line two." "You must think I'm a fucking idiot," snarks Eileen as she stomps away, leaving a hangdog looking Jake to stand alone in his office doorway. In the interests of giving credit in the only place where credit has ever been due, this scene made me giggle slightly the first time through. I suppose that could have something to do with the extra-strength allergy medicine I took just before airtime, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

Cut to the Barnes's apartment, where Donna presents Mickey with a pager so she can always get in touch with him. He accepts it reluctantly, and then, as always, she starts in with the suspicious questioning. Mickey claims to have been at the movies (rather than having been getting nipple-staked, as it were), but Donna doesn't buy that for a second. First she asks if Missy was with them, and Mickey lies even more, saying that Missy was at the dentist with her boyfriend. Then the argument moves to the bedroom, where Donna asks what movie he saw. Mickey can't answer, which prompts her to assume that he went to a porno flick. Okay, I gotta admit that, while I hate the show, Donna is kind of cute. Sonya Walger, call your agent. Maybe Arli$$ is hiring. This scene also features Binder putting on an inexcusably crappy British accent and referring to himself as "a comical bloke." I don't know about you guys, but I'd like to give this freak a comical choke, and that's NOT a euphemism for masturbation.

Jeers. The boys mock Mickey for accepting the pager, with the NBF proclaiming that he would have told the wife that "it's a no-go on the pagerio." Uh-huh. He actually said that. Someone actually wrote that. "It's a no-go on the pagerio." I'm SO happy this is my last recapio. Anyway, Mickey worries (complete with unfunny visual aids) that Donna might next make him wear a video camera on his head. Doug wonders where Mickey was that Donna couldn't find him, and Mickey confesses his massage habit to the boys. Doug considers that to be the equivalent of cheating, and delivers this near-Confucian proverb: "You go to the barbershop enough times, eventually you're gonna get a haircut." Yeah. I don't know what it means either. Of course, I'm pretty much bald, so I actually have been to the barbershop without getting a haircut. So maybe I'm not the best person to ask. And besides, there's so many better (or, depending on how you look at it, worse) things to make fun of in this scene. Like when Medium Pussy defines cheating as being only when "the skin bus takes a little drive into Tunatown." ["Ew." -- Sars] Or when Jake defines cyber-sex as being simply "keeping up with technology." Or perhaps even when MP says that anyone "fingering" Doug's wife should wash their hands immediately. ["AUGH!" -- Sars] That last one is so disgusting that I can't even bring myself to make the anthrax joke it's so desperately begging for.

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Mind of the Married Man

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