At the coffee shop, we get a scene that involves actual good taste and an almost realistic facsimile of human emotion. Jake and Eileen work out their differences, and both seem to grow up a little. Jake's basic rationale is that he had to end their affair because he could have fallen in love with her. Eileen just feels stupid for having fallen for him in the first place. I'm so confused and discombobulated by near-quality writing on display here that I'm almost at loss for how to recap it. Maybe I'll go read a few Six Feet Under recaps to get my groove back. No, wait. I don't care enough for that. Oh, well. Anyway, Eileen agrees not to tell Brigitte, and Jake finally manages to relax.
Speaking of relaxing, we now cut to the massage parlor. Hey! Sachiko is wearing a shirt. I guess she really was scratching up the lenses last week, because there's certainly no other reason for a show this misogynistic to cover up its only reliable source of naked boobies. Sachiko is still pushing him to have a "happy ending," and Binder jokingly consents to having "half a happy," which involves her just "rubbing it a little bit and making it think it's happy." Ew. Also, ow. You'd think Mike Binder of all people would be sensitive to the possibility of forever removing the hoary old "blue balls" excuse from millions of sex-starved teenagers trying to convince their girlfriends to go for the happy ending, but apparently that's just what he's done here. I hope you're happy, Mike. There's gonna be a lot of sad sixteen-year-olds after prom this year, and it's all your fault. Mickey and his flabby, pale stomach fat continue to use these sessions with Sachiko as free therapy, as he runs through the list of lies he's told his wife. He also refers to his life as "a treadmill of bullshit." No argument here. We also discover that Sachiko knew who he was all along, mainly because (and start rolling your eyes here) she's a big fan of his column. Sachiko consoles him further as she gently lays him down on his back. Just as she's about to reach under the towel that I'm pretending is made out of lead and titanium rather than face the fact that it's the only thing between me and little (and I do mean little) Mickey ["Bleeecccch" -- Sars], his pager goes off.
Chris Albrecht: So, yeah. Ew. If I'd have seen this scene, I never would have let him on the air.
Aaron: Welcome to my world, my friend.
Chris Albrecht: And she does that "happy ending" bit every week?