I have a shocking confession to make: I'm not married.
Now I know that's probably going to come as a surprise to anyone in the audience not named Lauren Ambrose, but it's true. If you're wondering how a guy as obviously witty (whiny), handsome (neurotic), and intelligent (what can I say? It comes with being Jewish) as myself has managed to avoid getting engaged to any of those Miss America contestants or sexy Nobel Prize winners that are always hanging out on the internet, well, wonder no more. It's actually because I'm saving myself for Sars. Ow! Dammit, Daniel, I was kidding. Stop hitting me. Not you, Sars. That I kinda like. Anyway, the point is that this brief autumn journey of ours into the Mind of the Married Man will be just as much an adventure for me as it will be for all of you. Well, all of you who aren't married, that is. Oh Lauren, why hast thou forsaken me?
Right. Anyway, now that we've got the overtly ironic intro out of the way, it's time to take a break and be serious for a moment. I can't imagine anything more pointless and inane than dedicating a recap of this crap-ass show (tm Miss Alli) to the people affected by last week's attacks, but that's exactly what I'm going to do, largely because sometimes it feels like that's all I can do. My dad spent five years in the FDNY, and he probably knows way too many of the guys who were in those buildings. There's really nothing I can say about sacrifice and heroism that hasn't already been said better by someone else, but since HBO saw fit to honor the memory of these men and women by canceling the premiere of this show and replacing it with a movie about a terrorist attack on New York, I thought it was important to try and inject some dignity back into these proceedings. So, if you haven't already, click the "What can you do to help" link on the front page. Believe me, there's nothing pointless about that.
And now, on with the recap
We open with some '40s-style black-and-white credits as an anonymous crooner assures us repeatedly that he does, in fact, love his wife. From there, the show moves straight into what appears to be its signature style: inane banter about sexual subjects already well-covered by far superior shows, movies, and men's magazines. Two men are wandering through the wind-swept streets of Chicago, babbling about wives and computer pornography. Since there's nothing about these characters that anyone who read the one-line descriptions in the TV Guide doesn't already know, I'm just going to go ahead and give their names up front. The guy on the left is Mickey, our protagonist. The guy on the right is Doug, our, uh, pussy. Seriously. But more on that later. Anyway, the gist of the conversation is that Mickey's wife has found pornography on his computer. "What kind?" asks Doug, and it was here that I had originally intended to insert a minor treatise on all the myriad and wondrous forms of pornography to be found on this great internet of ours. Then I remembered that if you're reading this, you're already on-line, so it's not like you need me to tell you where to find the porn. In fact, do me a favor and close that other browser window. That's disgusting. At one point in the scene, we cut to a shot of Mickey's wife Donna checking out the previously mentioned pornography on a product-placed Powerbook. So, would anyone like to hazard a guess as to what Gerald Levin might be doing in the presumably pornographic pictures Steve Jobs apparently has of him? I mean, given the incessant placement Macintosh products get on both HBO and the WB, I'm surprised they haven't replaced that goofy singing frog with a goofy singing apple by now.