Mind of the Married Man
Secrets Of The Universe

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Aaron: C- | Grade It Now!
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Just like porn, but without the good parts

I've come to realize these past few weeks that, as a recapper, I've lead a relatively charmed life so far. Not as charmed as Demian, perhaps (I'm so very, very sorry), but nonetheless, while I was off writing about Oscar winners and shows that garner more Emmy nominations than they have actual episodes in a season, other recappers were toiling in the blazing Roswellian sun or the polluted, stagnant waters of a Wilmington Creek. I can only assume that the evident piety of my Biblical debut has somehow prompted the Lord to watch over me. I mean, even The Stalking of Laurie Show turned out to be better than I had any right to expect. But now, my friends, the gravy train has sadly derailed (and on a side note -- mmmmm, gravy!), and it is with no small degree of melancholy pride that I can now confirm that Mind of the Married Man is without any doubt whatsoever the single worst show ever recapped by MBTV. And as anyone who's ever visited the Permanent Hiatus section can attest, that's quite an impressively dubious accomplishment. Oh Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? If this is about that cheeseburger I ate on Yom Kippur, I already said I was sorry.

Anyway, here's the thing. I know people in the HBO marketing department read this site (I can tell by the way they studiously avoid returning my phone calls), so I've decided to turn the next nine weeks into a personal crusade to ensure that this show never makes it past its first season. I'm too squeamish to give blood, so I figure it's the least I can do for the world in these troubled times of ours. I mean, when red-blooded heterosexual American males such as myself can't even enjoy a show featuring lesbians and tactile testicle stimulation, you just know it has to be bad. Then again, that's what they said about Howard Stern, and it doesn't seem to be stopping him.

This week's episode, such as it is, opens with the exact same shot as last week. This made me happy (at least momentarily), because I thought they might be following the Six Feet Under paradigm of opening each week with the death of a character. That would certainly be one way to improve the show. Alas, it was not meant to be, and instead we're forced to endure Mickey whining to Doug about how his wife is "cold" to his new assistant. Doug doesn't understand what he means by "cold," so Binder again does that thing where he repeatedly repeats certain repetitive words in a repetitious fashion, in the hopes that they'll eventually become funny. Note to Mike: They won't. By way of a "cold" explanation, we flash back to the previous day at the office, where Mickey and Missy the aforementioned assistant are all giggly that he's received a letter from the Mayor about his most recent column. Donna arrives, and basically gives Missy a well-deserved stink-eye, which is apparently what has prompted this week's paper-thin plot.

They're now joined by Jake, and they rapidly fill him in on the whole "cold" issue. Incidentally, you should note the incredible pun restraint I've been showing here (Cold front? Cold cuts? Cold sore?). Jake assesses the situation thusly: "That's too bad. I know your wife, and that means she knows you want to fuck the assistant." "Yeah?" asks Mickey. "How can she know that when I don't know it?" "You wish you didn't know that," replies Jake. Oh, don't we all. Moving on, we now turn to Doug's Dorky Dilemma Du Jour, which involves money problems with his wife. We see them arguing on a kitchen set that looks suspiciously like the one in Mickey's apartment, except with a different back wall. Jake suggests the ultimate solution to all their problems, which would be to arrange a three-way between Donna, Doug's wife, and Mickey's assistant, complete with "lots of hair, lots of negligees, [and] a lot of Greco-Roman wrestling maneuvers." We're treated to visuals of the ladies cavorting on a bed, spanking one another and giggling, while Jake continues to explain that the boys will film the whole event with their camcorders. This will enable Donna and Mickey's assistant to bond, and also provide Doug's wife with a steady source of revenue from sales of the tape. See? Problem solved. In Porno-World, maybe. Anyway, here's Mickey's big kicker for the opening scene: "And on top of that, my wife is happy that I figured out how to use the camcorder in time for Christmas." Wow, that's -- not funny. Of course, it stands to reason that the worst joke in the entire episode would play out while the "Written by: Mike Binder" credit is still on-screen. At least someone in the graphics department on this show has a sense of humor.

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Mind of the Married Man

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