Mind of the Married Man
The God Of Marriage

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Jeers. Mickey and Jake are the only ones there, and Jake is delivering yet another diatribe about Mickey's lack of manliness. Desperate to earn even a speck of grudging respect from me, Mike Binder resorts to hockey metaphors: "This is all okay when we're having target practice," he says in reference to his fantasies about Missy, "but we pulled the goalie. Any one of these slapshots could be my next kid. I'm thinking about Missy way too much. If Donna gets pregnant, Missy'll have some sort of psychic, emotional, chromosome link. She'll be like the uber-mother or something." On behalf of Fametracker, Hissyfit, Sugar Larry, and the entire Uber family of websites, shut up, Mickey. Also, unless Donna uses a diaphragm, that's a pretty crappy metaphor. Jake advises Mickey to look for love inside his marriage, and look for sex outside. Then, in a sentence which also includes the phrases "knockin' boots" and "all you need is someone to snap the end of your dick and send you home calm," Jake offers to take Mickey to see Seshiko, his "little Asian piece of heaven."

Cut to Doug, reading to his sleeping child. He picks the little girl up, walks us through some physical comedy when he bangs her head against the doorjamb, and then deposits her in her bedroom. Moving to the master suite, he finds Karin decked out in a silk nightie to celebrate their "half-anniversary." "Is it our half?" asks Doug. "Aww. I forgot." There's some kissing and giggling, and also a shot of Karin bossing her boy around. Who can guess what comes next, by the way? Anyone? Yep, that's right. Doug notices that the nightie is new, and flips out about the expenses. Karin stomps off to the bathroom, which allows The Hyper-Kinetic Editor Who Has Now Moved On To Jolt Cola And Crystal Meth to show us the door slamming about seventeen times. She eventually emerges in a paint-splattered sweatshirt, and is afforded the opportunity to utter the memorable line, "Come on, Doug. Let's get fuckin'! I got playground duty at the school tomorrow, and I gotta be up early. Let's roll." Doug wilts under the intense pressure of her sarcasm, and suggests that she put the nightie back on, even after he learns that it cost $250. He also seems to be calling her Carol instead of Karin, but not even I really care enough to go check the definitive listing on HBO's website. You know, if I had even the tiniest bit of respect for Mike Binder's abilities as a writer (and please be assured that I don't), I might suggest that he was attempting here to make a relatively subtle joke: that women are pliable after sex, whereas men are more pliable beforehand. It's an old joke that's already been done to death, I know, but at least he didn't feel the need to smack us in the face with it. You know, like the way he'll be doing it in just a few scenes.

Even though I've just said that I don't really care about Karin's name, I will point out that I've just discovered this week that the paper Mickey works for is called The Daily Mirror. Wow. Is there anything about this show that isn't narcissistic? Anyway, Eileen sits at her desk (which, thankfully, does not have a goldfish bowl on it) and observes as Jake welcomes his episode one "computer consultant" into his office. After she seductively closes the blinds, and The Hyper-Kinetic Editor Who's Not Even Editing Anymore, But Is Instead Just Twitching Wildly And Randomly Hitting Buttons shows us four billion shots of Eileen pouting, we cut to later at the elevator. Heh. I didn't even mean for that one to rhyme. Eileen approaches the Computer Conslutant and tries to make small talk, but ends up just humiliating herself. While I enjoy watching attractive women insult each other just as much as the next guy, there's really nothing else here worth mentioning.

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Mind of the Married Man

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