Mind of the Married Man
The God Of Marriage

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Binder Boudoir. Mickey is in bed trying to read, but Donna apparently has other ideas. She curls up on top of him and literally tries to beg him for sex. I'm so sorry, Sonya. I really am. They end up in a long drawn-out fight which finally reveals that Mickey is "a little freaked out" that she didn't get the Stooge-job joke. "You're telling me we're not having sex because of three long dead Stooges?" asks Donna. "Of course it's not about Stooges," replies Mickey. "What am I, an idiot?" Nah, too easy. Mickey is actually worried that they just don't get the same jokes anymore, and has somehow managed to internally rationalize that fact as a reason to repeatedly fantasize about his assistant. "Frankly, the way you're acting, I'd rather fuck one of the Stooges," says Donna.

The next day, Jake leads Mickey up to a massage parlor, with Mickey whining "I can't do this" all the while. "Mickey, you lay on your back and a girl rubs your dick," replies Jake. "Mental patients can do it." Ahh, there's that old decorum and good breeding we've all come to know and hate. Thanks, Mike. And, oh, but it gets even worse. Upon hearing that Jake even plans to cover the cost of this little excursion, Mickey replies, "You're gonna pay for me to get a hand-job? That seems a little gay to me." You know what? I can't even be bothered anymore. Just assume I inserted some sort of pithy criticism of the show's offensiveness here, because there's only so many ways I can say that this show sucks, and I'm fairly certain I've used them all at least twice so far.

Once inside, The Hyper-Kinetic Editor Who's Come Down From His High, Realized What Kind Of Shite He's Working On, And Exacted Revenge By Ignoring The Script And Simply Cutting Together Any Extraneous Pieces Of Film That May Be Lying Around shows us an extended montage of Mike Binder doing a bunch of hideously unfunny things in an empty massage parlor. One of those things involves him adopting a patronizingly offensive Japanese accent and doing that old Bar-Mitzvah stand-by, the Chicken Dance. I just thought you should know that. Finally Seshiko enters, and Mike introduces himself as "Doug." Okay. I need to be honest with you people for a moment here. I don't want to cause undue panic or alarm, but I've received credible and specific information that Mike Binder is naked for the remainder of this scene. There's also a brief moment where it appears that he's playing with himself. I'm not saying you should run out and buy a gas mask, but I will admit that wearing one would at least help obscure your view of the screen. Oh sure, there's a towel covering the really disturbing parts, but that thing looks kinda flimsy, and I'm not taking any chances. Anyway, Binder, perhaps realizing that there needs to be at least one thing in the frame that won't make viewers vomit, has Seshiko strip as well. Of course, even that moderately intriguing image is trampled underfoot by the purely puerile "me so horny" vibe she's forced to exude. Eventually, she strips Mickey's towel off, rolls him over, and offers to provide him with "a [hand-job] happy ending." In the course of doing so, however, she actually says the words "Oh! Nice dicky, Doug. You got nice dick." I'm speechless, people. I am without speech. This really is the worst show ever. Seriously. I challenge anyone who's actually watched this crap to name even a single program that could be considered its inferior. HBO, I'm begging you. Pull. The. Plug. You're better than this. Trust me, having this show on your schedule (be it at ten or ten-thirty) is way more embarrassing than the flack you'll take for dumping it. For God's sake, man, I'd even be in favor of filling the timeslot with Arli$$ reruns. The scene continues as Mickey declines the "happy ending." Seshiko gets all metaphysical on his disturbingly-still-bare ass and suggests that Doug has "sad eyes." Then she drapes herself across his chest while he waxes philosophical about how all men have "issues." His psychobabble is merely boring, whereas the part where Seshiko glances at his lap and proclaims, "Looks like he wants happy ending to me" is just plain gross. Declining one final time, Mickey gets dressed and goes home.

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Mind of the Married Man

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