Mind of the Married Man
Time On The Lake

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Good Swill Hunting

Mike Binder, on Mickey Barnes: "No, heavens no, he's not likeable!"

Jeers. Medium Pussy continues his heartwarming ways, this time steering the conversation towards the subject of Viagra. Both Mickey and the NBF claim never to have used it, with the NBF adding that he prefers "God's Viagra -- new pussy." Doug, however, cops to taking the occasional dosage, as does MP. "I keep my Viagra in my nightstand right next to my gun," he says. "Because if I've got my gun, and I've got my Viagra, I know nothing's going to come up in the middle of the night that I can't handle." I probably should have mentioned before now that Murphy is there playing pool with them, but the image of Medium Pussy sitting naked in bed with Viagra in one hand and a Colt .45 in the other has left me (for obvious reasons) somewhat distracted. Or maybe that's "disgusted." Anyway, Mickey asks Murph if he's ever tried Viagra himself, and Murph replies that he can't answer that yet because there's still twenty minutes left in the episode. Okay, so he actually said that he doesn't talk about his wife or his sex life because he wants to "keep it pure," but the stalling subtext was pretty clear. Finally, MP suggests that maybe Jake could get the answers out of Murph, because, as the NBF points out, "Jake has people skills."

Mike Binder, on the blatantly obvious: "But I'm going to keep the show from the male point of view, and there are going to be some periods over the course of the show, if I get to do it for a while, that women are really not going to like."

I swear to God the opening line of this next scene is, "Dingo-dick, I need you in my office." I shouldn't really have to tell you anything more than that, but Sars gets mad when I only recap the dirty words and don't bother with the plot. As you can imagine, she's been getting mad at me a lot lately. I keep trying to tell her that there is no plot, but she just mutters something about triangles and soulmates and looks so angry that I have to back away slowly. Incidentally, I think we can all agree that she made the right choice giving Dawson's to Jessica rather than to me. I mean, given my views on Binder's ego, can you imagine what I'd have to say about the Beek? Anyway, the dingo-dick in question is Jake, and the office belongs to Memmet. It seems that Memmet has received an anonymous letter, which reads (in full): "I find the conduct of your entertainment columnist less than entertaining. ["Don't we all?" -- Aaron] He's in the habit of poking his married and curiously crooked penis into the loins of unsuspecting fellow employees. ["Don't we…nope, not gonna go there." -- Aaron] I imagine the readers of this paper would find his behavior as disappointing as had the recipients of his skinny and uneventful cock." Okay, "skinny" I get, but "uneventful"? Are we to assume that his penis has no scheduled activities planned? That it prefers to stay in and rent movies instead of going out on a Saturday night? You know what? I've just realized that I've written a fairly long paragraph here dealing almost entirely with the genitals of a man I don't even like all that much. Yeah. If you haven't signed up for that mailing list yet, please don't. At long last, Memmet puts down the letter and instructs Jake to remedy the situation immediately.

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Mind of the Married Man




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