So the first episode almost a year after ABC pulled the plug opens with a real X-Files vibe, all dark and stormy night, zooming into a house that doesn't appear to have any lights on. We pan across the kitchen to a shot of the cellar door, then cut to a woman in the bedroom reading a newspaper with many lamps a-blazin' in what looked to be a completely dark house. Specifically, she's reading the column by someone named "Rebecca Webb," who I'm guessing is the titular "A Broad Abroad," a column name that must have seemed hilarious at first, but subsequently more annoying. Well, scratch that. It's the first time I've seen it, and I already find it quite irritating.
Then, the cellar door rattles. And the woman on the bed (who apparently is the Broad Abroad herself) looks scared enough to shakily pull on a sweater and tentatively go check it out. And despite the fact that it's supposed to be night outside, there's a square of light on the wall above the bed thrown by the bedroom window. I know this is shot on a set, but still, that kind of goof-up ruins the vibe for me, you know?
So the broad opens the cellar door, and she hears the lilting strains of "You Are My Sunshine" coming from down below. And the way the flashes of lightning are illuminating her face, it looks like the lightning is coming from the cellar. It's not that it's supposed to appear that way, it just does. And we all know that when you're in the house alone on a dark and stormy night and your cellar door starts rattling and unexplained old-timey music starts playing from down below, you're supposed to walk downstairs and yell, "Hello?" so that's exactly what the broad does. Not surprisingly, the door slams shut behind her. She turns in shock, then falls backwards down the stairs, knocking herself out, but fortunately sending her flashlight rolling back and forth, so the shadows play across her face.
Full opening credits, which was kind of nice. I love Creepy Sideways Frozen Kid, even if he hasn't been in an actual episode yet. OR HAS HE? No, he totally hasn't.
Now, I taped this on a Canadian Christian television channel, so y'all might be curious about what sorts of commercials they show. So here goes: we get a commercial for the Pasta Pro, which you can order by calling a 1-800 number. I would make fun of it, but my parents have one and it works pretty well. Not that a regular old colander doesn't work just as well, but still. A regular Cover Girl makeup commercial. A commercial for one of those Bose Wave radios that I've never seen in real life. "Now also available with built-in CD player!" Maybe the radio has great sound, but it kills me that they're trying to pretend it's amazing advanced technology when they've just finally gotten around to adding a CD player to the damn thing. Maybe twenty years from now it'll play MP3s. Next up is an ad for what appears to be the station's music program, and since it's the Christian channel, we see clips of videos from Sixpence None the Richer and some other bands who I don't recognize at all and who suck almost as hard as Sixpence. Apparently Sixpence has a list of my all-time favourite songs and are intent on sucking the life out of all of them. I knew they sang "There She Goes," but I was unaware that they also sing "Don't Dream It's Over." And commercials for…some television show where Dan Aykroyd played a reverend? The hell? Ad for A River Runs Through It. And that's it.
Back at Miracles HQ, Keel and Skeet are fighting, and apparently haven't spoken a word to each other in weeks. At least, that's what Evelyn tells us. And when Keel and Skeet fight, I guess they like to sit at a table and glare at each other, like they're doing here. And Evelyn feels she needs to remind them that Skeet's angry because Keel withheld information from him, and Keel's angry because Skeet still hasn't told him what happened with the Angel of Death, and we flash back to the Angel of Death telling Skeet that there are "three more out there" and that he should kill them all. This would be the "God is nowhere" people, whom Tommy referred to as "the darkness." Was everyone as surprised as I was when "the darkness" turned out to be a glam-metal band that's rapidly growing on me?