Miss Match
Santa, Baby

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Daniel: B- | Grade It Now!
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I saw Victoria doinking Santa Claus

Nick's on the phone, calling from the office, to let Kate know that his penis doesn't measure up to Clifford Kim, Esquire's unit. Legally speaking. As payback for the many discovery motions, Nick filed motions to see all of Lauren's ex's corporate documents. Nick was hoping to take a little trip up to San Fran, sift through the files, ride a trolley, and sample the dim sum. Instead, Clifford thoughtfully shipped all the documents to L.A.; Nick's surrounded by stacks of boxes, with more arriving by the minute. He's so worked up, he's even working out with one of those little hand-squeezy things. Kate says she'll be back in the office soon and will split the work up with him, but again, Nick says he's got it covered: "I'm pumped to take this guy down. Mano a mano." Why don't Nick and Clifford just do it already and get it over with?

Later, we're over at Kate's place, where Michael shows up to rip off lines from Singles ("I was just nowhere near the neighbourhood," he says) while Kate looks at him glumly. But of course her anger completely dissipates when he whips out flowers from behind his back. "They're beautiful," she says. "You look…hot," he says, and maybe he should stick with ripping off movies. So they go into the kitchen, and he says AGAIN that there's nothing going on with him and Lauren, and Kate says she knows, and Michael gets all sincere and says he really wants this to work. And they go back and forth like this in the kitchen, so we're pretty much exactly where we were at the end of last week's episode, and they start making out again, only this time we won't be fooled, not even after they head into the bedroom and flop onto the bed and Kate lies there while Michael kisses her neck and then heads south…and then back up again. And there go the shirts! And they keep making out. And the phone rings, but they ignore it, and it rings like ONCE before the answering machine picks up, and Kate's outgoing message is, "Hi, it's Kate. Leave a friendly message," like, what is that about. And it's a frantic Serena on the phone, who screeches that it's an emergency, that Jessica's gone into labour but there are complications, and she orders Kate to meet her at the hospital.

Kate arrives (having unfortunately put clothes back on) to find a very calm, very collected Serena in the waiting room, who informs Kate that "it's still a girl," and the doctor says she's perfect, with ten fingers and ten toes. So Kate, having been inches away from getting laid for the first time on this series, inquires as politely as possible about the supposed complications, and Serena waves her hand and says the baby was coming out at a "weird angle" but everything's now okay. "So there was actually no emergency," says Kate all monotone, and Serena's response is that she didn't know that at the time. Still, had there been an emergency, I'm wondering just what Serena thought Kate was going to do? And Kate softens a bit when Serena turns on the charm and says, "It means so much to me that you're here." So Kate asks if Serena watched the delivery, and Charisma cracks me up with a well-placed, "Ew! No!" and explains how she made that mistake with her sister and can't get the memory out of her head, and the phrases "gelatinous head" and "dilated cervix" are in there somewhere, and that's quite enough of that. By this time, Kate has noticed the rather severe-looking woman sitting next to Serena, who introduces her as Gerta, the nanny, who Serena says has been doing this for twenty years, so by my estimation, Gerta started nannying when she was about 140 years old. Serena says (because Gerta isn't saying much of anything) that Gerta knows everything about newborns. Kate says hello, and Gerta ignores this. Serena advises Kate not to speak to her, as Gerta isn't quite as good with adults.

Over at the only bar, Bad Santa has shown up to stalk Victoria, and it turns out that it's Kerr Smith, otherwise known as Jack, The Gay Guy From Dawson's Creek. ["Well…'gay.'" -- Sars] When Victoria says, "What do you like," he says, "How about the bartender?" and she says, "Santa?" and he says "ho ho ho," which Victoria might take as an insult. And she says, "Wow," and let's hope she was referring to the fugly chin beard that Santa's sporting, and one of the mysteries of this show has to be male characters' fascinations with ridiculous facial hair, and Kerr Smith is doing the "I know I played a gay character, but I'm totally not gay, see?" thing in being all suave as he suggests that Victoria fake sick so they can go someplace else and cut out the small talk. "Santa!" says Victoria, acting mildly shocked. "'Tis the season," he says.

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Miss Match

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