Miss Match
The Love Bandit

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The Love Bandit

That someone is, of course, Kate, who is wearing THE CUTEST SHIRT EVER. It's got a white background and is covered in, like, cherry blossoms, and the collar is red and the cuffs are huge and bright red and I covet it. Jerry introduces the two women, kindly calling Kate a "first-class lawyer and a matchmaker." Judy snorts, although not unkindly. "She's a yenta? Get out," she says. I think this is the appropriate time to admit that I would loooove to be a matchmaker. It seems like it would be fun and interesting, and it would also really rack up the good karma. Kate sort of shrugs charmingly…

…and takes Judy into her office. Judy gives Kate the bullet on her daughter Michelle, who graduated from Sarah Lawrence with honors and now runs a successful art gallery in Santa Monica. "And relationships?" Kate asks. "Losers. All of them," Judy pronounces. "They cheat on her, they lie, they're unemployed. I'm telling you, Michelle is a gem. Other than shoe shopping, she really is the great joy of my life." At this, Kate smiles winsomely, and her hair, I must say, looks great, all half pulled up and sort of Sharon Tate in Valley of the Dolls mixed with Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha Stevens and I just love it. "Look, I can't make any promises, but I do know some very emotionally mature, wonderful men," she says. "Oh, I'm sorry. Women," Judy says, explaining that Michelle is a lesbian. "Oh!" Kate chirps, and smiles. She opens her mouth, probably to assure Judy that she's perfectly capable of Successful Lesbian Matchmaking, when Claire buzzes the intercom and announces that she's got Kate's gynecologist on line one. "Claire, I'm in with a client," Kate says tightly. "Oops," Claire says. Fire her, Kate. At this, Judy gets up and tells Kate to take her call, promising to talk later about the matchmaking thing. "Oh, FYI, yogurt is great for everything," she says. "Thanks for the tip," Kate responds politely.

So, Kate takes the call and asks Dr. Fuller -- whose name we later learn is Jenna, and I'm using that now, because I'm already well on the road to carpal tunnel -- how things are going with "Karl," a.k.a. Hottie McHotterson. Jenna chirps that he's simply wonderful, and he must be, because her hair is all loose and flowing and the "tight up-do" to "loose and flowing" transition is TV Hairstyling for "finally got laid." Anyway, Jenna is in love and Karl is just swell. "This is so nice," Kate trills. Jenna dreamily asks Kate to be her maid of honor if she and Karl eventually ring it up, and Kate opens her eyes real wide and advises Jenna to take it slow. "It's only been two weeks," she says. Jenna twirls around on her office chair and gleefully explains that she and Dreamy Karl are going to Hawaii on Monday. Because he promised his dead wife that he'd scatter her ashes in the ocean on Maui, and he wants Jenna to be there. Oh, this isn't going to end well. This is like the time George Costanza was using Susan's death to curry favor with hot babes, and nothing that George Costanza advocates can end well. Kate makes a concerned face and warns Jenna that this trip might be less of a Mai-Tai-fueled sex-athon and more of an emotionally draining sob fest. "Trust me, Kate, I'm ready for this," Jenna sighs. Kate decides, as usual, to go into this with a good attitude, and tells Jenna to give her a ring when she gets back.

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Miss Match

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