Mission: Man Band

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | 479 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Dryin' Out Bryan -- One Day At A Time

"Stereotype" is a good name, Rich says, because it contains the word "stereo." They have a big list of awful names but the only ones I can see are: "Shure Shot," "Fish Bowl," and "Boyz II Men." Bryan cracks some weird drunk joke about how "Fish Bowl" makes him think of a bowl full of fish. Normally in a reality show you have to wait a week or two before the people start talking this crazy this much. Cox comes in with his stupid backpack, and Jeff assures us that the song is awesome. Also, he points out, it is easy. Because it's so stupid and repetitive, I wager. The four of them go separately into the booth and sing all whiny and boybandy and horrible. Rich raps. Jeff whines his part and apologizes for sucking. Everybody sings horribly. Cox says it's really just like riding a bike, but in this case, I don't know that they can even do that. Bryan sings awfully and everybody tells him how great it was. I'm not so sure that it's him they're trying to fool.

They head to a photo shoot -- they still don't have a name or a song, but they're doing a photo shoot, which is...very boyband, right there. Chris hates photo sessions; Bryan is sweating it because he's all fat; Jeff is being calm and professional and superior and hating this; Rich is bouncing around like a kid full of Pixy Sticks. He's wearing really cute plaid bondage pants. He dresses pretty well but I'm assuming he gets some help from an adult with that. Bryan hasn't done a photo shoot since before the internet so he's stressing out. Katie introduces them to their super weird photographer and even weirder stylist, who runs around screaming and laughing in this bizarre snorting asthmatic witchy way, which the boys try to imitate. She's unstoppably weird, just steamrolls over all of them. Even Bryan, sad-sacking around about how fat he is, does not stop her screeching madness.

The photographer weirdly asks them to have fun and relax. He has not met them or he would know that they can't do either of these things, or anything really. Chris gets homoerotic on Rich, which is kind of barfy, and then Rich gets homoerotic all by himself, which is nasty. Much talk is thrown around about how they're not boybanders, but keep striking boyband poses. Rich complains that stem cells make him look ugly and puffy like a stupid turnip. They don't explain the dead-eyed moronic lack of affect, though. He had that before. Jeff is totally freaked out by the European photog, who is like an ice-cream truck driver that just beat a molestation rap. He keeps screaming at them, begging them for "Superlook!" and to "Work it!" Jeff hilariously deadpans that he A) does not have a Superlook and B) "the other thing I don't do is work it." Chris gives Katie a tiny bit of approval for the awesome job she's doing, and the boys finally take a nice picture. Everybody likes the picture, everybody. It's nice. Bryan is shocked that they agreed on anything, ever.

Mission: Man Band

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