Mission: Man Band
Dryin' Out Bryan — One Day At A Time

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Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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Dryin' Out Bryan -- One Day At A Time

Chris orders Bryan to apologize some more, and threatens to take the liquor out of the house. Boy, is Bryan not feeling that. Chris is like, "But I have to, so you won't drink it." Bryan starts crying about how he really wants to be taken seriously, and he's horribly afraid all the time. It's pretty moving even though I'm basically over him altogether. Chris says that he's more enthusiastic about this project because he can tell how into it Bryan is. I love Chris's self-obsession: "We know that you want it not because you said so, but because of how it affects me! Think about that for a second!" Just because Chris needs to feel even more in control and Dr. Phil about the whole thing, and because he's seen people do this on TV, he tells Bryan to go get a bottle of liquor and throw it in the lake. Thus proving absolutely nothing except that he has officially assumed responsibility for Bryan's life so he doesn't have to deal with his own. He even goes -- I'm not making this up -- "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Bryan weeps to us that Chris really cares about him, as people have done for their abusers since the beginning of time, and doggedly tosses the bottle in the lake. Along with his pride, manhood, and any sense of responsibility for himself or his own actions.

Now there's just one day left! All they did on Day Minus Two was listen to the song and perform intervention after intervention on Bryan! Because they were bored! Chris puts on his most toolish, absurd white bandanna to tell us in a serious tone that he has cured Bryan's alcoholism. Bryan tells us he's super excited about staying sober, and lies that he will never drink again. Chris tells us in this weird nostalgic mode about how Bryan's been working out and looks great. SINCE YESTERDAY! And then, the show goes along with this ridiculous timeline abuse, showing Bryan proudly running past a sad suburban SteinMart with Kristia. He tells us solemnly that he can't be both fat and call himself "some type of musician." Nobody's calling any of them that. Jeff tries to bring us back to the land of reality by mentioning that they haven't even done anything yet, and already one of them is falling down the unending rabbit hole of addiction. This whole thing reminds me of the Creed Behind The Music where they were like, "Eventually before a show we starting doing two, even sometimes three shots of J├Ągermeister. Isn't that so edgy and fucked up?"

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Mission: Man Band

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