Bryan Abrams is the old fogey; "I Wanna Sex You Up" was in 1991. Man, in 1991 I was mastering the concept of Latin America. And he was sexing you up! Color Me Badd is distinctive because it was the first boyband where everybody was fucking ugly. Now, he's gigantic. Not in a gross way, just in way where he's like a normal person under high magnitude. He rolls tires around for a living in Oklahoma City, and he's very strong, and I cannot believe how goddamn huge...his face has gotta be like a foot across. He's gigantic all over. It's kind of awesome.
He tells us how he drank a lot on the road, but if you were in Color Me Badd I bet that was your only option. He says he can't stop with one drink, and that there's an additional "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde For Real" problem. I don't know what that means. Then he starts praying really loud. Maybe that's the Jekyll/Hyde thing? That should be entertaining. He asks God if he should pursue this embarrassing joke of a career rehab, or actually work for a living. God is silent on this issue. Bryan has an absolutely gorgeous daughter, and another kid on the way. His pretty wife Kim looks like somebody's pretty wife. Their home looks like they live outside Oklahoma City. "OMG he is so sweet," my notes say. He warns us once again that the specter of drunken buffoonery awaits. I'll believe it when I see it.
They pull up to Chris's house and it's beer guts all around. Much dapping, hand-shaking, fake hugging. Rich from LFO says "Man Band" like a hundred thousand times and everybody's embarrassed because he's too dumb to know you should not say this out loud. During the commercial, let's review: Chris is the boring one whose house it is, Bryan's the dad, Jeff is deluded about his industry connections, and Rich from LFO is basically worthless but at least he has cancer.
Standing next to gigantic Bryan, Chris just looks fat and noodly. All the sheets have their faces on them, matching the posters on the door. Giant scary gross faces. Rich reads a fax from their "ball-busting" manager, illiterately, and then they have to learn "Every Breath You Take" by the Police. So they can audition for their manager. Rich is offended and wants to get to the bottom of it. Jeff thinks the whole thing is stupid. Chris is optimistic: "Maybe they just want to know where we sing. I know where I sing: backup." I like Chris now. That's cute. Rich duhs about how they're not going to sing for the manager.