Mission: Man Band
From Boys 2 Man Band

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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From Boys 2 Man Band

Jeff laughs about his rage and how he must shove it down, down, down; Chris gives in, with the caveat that he sings before Bryan. Chris sings, Bryan sings, Rich sings: Chris is wonderful, Bryan is less wonderful, Rich is an idiot. I don't know why they think Bryan's the best. It's clearly Chris. Or maybe Jeff, but we'll never know for sure: Jeff refuses to sing. He cannot sing in a restaurant, he cannot sing for Katie, he cannot sing because to sing is to admit that he's fucked and living in his parents' house with an iMac and a whole lotta plans that consistently go nowhere. Katie calls this a copout, and Jeff agrees. Hell yeah it's a copout, he says. He's still smiling when he says this. He tells the table at large that he is reluctant to be a part of this stupid process. Outside, Katie tells us that Jeff is "full of shit," and she's not wrong; inside, Katie rolls her eyes so hard she gives herself another facelift, thanks everybody except Jeff, and takes off. The boys are basically cowed, except for Rich, who mumbles something stupid; Bryan applies some much-needed misogyny for team-building purposes. The phrase "smuggling midgets" is used. Everybody laughs because every famous boy has a secret gay fear. Normally I would say that this is not okay, and it's not, but he just chilled them the fuck out, and that's worth something. Even though it diminishes him.

Rich from LFO takes some cancer pills or something. He talks about it forever but I don't speak Moron so I don't know what they're really about. It's like Gummo in Rich from LFO's room. Down in the kitchen he has been deserted. Turns out Jeff Timmons is very hot in the AM. He is sleeping sexily on the living room couch, and then he stretches sexily, and then he admits that he has been wandering the house -- catlike, sinewy -- all night long, stressing. He threatens to leave in a delicious fashion, while Rich from LFO shovels food into his stupid turnip face. Jeff bitches about "being in the forefront like this," and one asks: like what? In the forefront of what? Put on the spot of which? You didn't even sing, pisher. Now take off your shirt and do some pushups. You gotta earn this.

Jeff whines in the kitchen some more, and Chris notes his stress. Katie creeps into the house looking even more intimidating, and tells them that their past is so very worthless that she's forcing them to do...a Native American ritual. Fucking yes, she did.

They sit around a fire in the wilderness and an old Indian lady makes them say their visions. Rich from LFO wants to appreciate life more and emphasize simple things, and also to not have cancer. Chris wants confidence and the ability to deal with change. Jeff wants to be more positive and force people to fulfill their dreams. I agree that Jeff could work on positivity, but also maybe a reacquaintance with reality is in the cards as well. Bryan wants to be a good husband and father, and inspire with his music. (He bursts into tears.) He also would not like to sex you up anymore, but instead provide an example for you. You can tell that he feels really bad about sexing you up that time. They are all amazed by Native American spirituality. I am telling you that I am now fully invested in this show.

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Mission: Man Band

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