Mission: Man Band
Get This Party Started

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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Get This Party Started

Chris sings awesomely and romantically and everybody's impressed. I wish they would just admit that he's the best at this. You can tell he's leaving places for the other guys to sing too, it's really nice. Cox is insulted that he didn't write a chorus. Jeff whines for a million years about how he's nervous and will be singing a song for the first time ever on this show. He sounds amazing but has pitch issues; Cox calls him out in interview for constantly pussing out. Good judge of character, this Cox. Willy Whistle tells us that Bryan is so wasted with anxiety and then he tells the group the same thing. He's really scared, but once he starts singing he sounds great. Cox loves him. I think the best songwriting was Chris, that tiny bit, and the best vocals were...everybody but Rich from LFO. Rich from LFO is the goat of all time. Do you know what LFO stands for? "Lyte Funky Ones." Explain this to me. It makes me want to punch everybody's mom in the face when I think about that. Cox gives them a good solid B. They are satisfied with this. Welcome to reality TV, where a good solid B is a reason to go on living.

Chris decides to throw a party. There's a disco ball, tons of whores, Jeff being nervous at the touch of a woman because of Jesus and his wife, Rich wearing a cute sweater and looking toolish. Bryan is really nervous because he's fifty years old and not drinking and gigantic and awkward. They're all fifty years old and fat except for Jeff, who is I think the Dorian Grey of Corey Haim. Rich gets really worried about Bryan's wanting to have a drink, because he has the same weird voyeuristic obsession with making Bryan the goat. Chris stares at Bryan going upstairs to sneak a drink and pretends this is not exactly what he wanted. Bryan tells one of the hos to keep his drinking on the DL in front of the cameras, and she tells him this is lame. Bryan goes around talking about how drunk he is and how bad that is, like he's a freshman in college. How much do you have to drink to get this weird, if you're the size and shape of a Psion xB? Chris is totally delighted by all of this and pretending to be really worried about it. The party's still raging at 3 AM when they cut the cameras. You'll notice nothing has actually happened: Bryan was not going to drink, then he had a drink, then everybody decided that they were the main character in the drama of Bryan having a drink and suffering no ill effects. This is some riveting goddamn television.

Next morning, Kristia surveys the "damage," which is like a couple bins of beer cans and some half-empty bottles of liquor. I think my kid sister could drink the Man Band under the table. Kristia tries to wake up Bryan for his workout and almost makes him cry. She's so sweet: "We're making each other look bad. Come on, I believe in you." I do too! She tells us that this is a thing that quasi-celebrities do, namely: sucking and screwing up all the time. He makes illogical excuses and she points out to us the very true fact that nobody ever reached a goal by writing themselves a bunch of passes. As though this applies only to Bryan's second day in fat camp and not the entire show.

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Mission: Man Band

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