A lawyer arrives at April's throw pillow store with paternity test results -- oh right, that's how Savi learns about the existence of paternity tests -- and April meets with Miranda Nickleby, whose name I can never stop typing, to talk about how her Bastard deserves child support from Paul's estate. Which is, um, true, but of course Savi's like, "As your lawyer, I recommend that you throw the child into the sea."
After the Bastard takes a header because he now has two negligent mommies, and breaks his arm, April has a change of heart and decides that maybe her family has room for a whore from Orlando and the kid whose arms she's willing to break for cash. I was pretty excited about the storyline -- What if Miranda Nickleby moves into the Malloy house? What if she gets as irritated by Invisible Lucy's precocity as I'm beginning to, and hits that little girl in the face? -- but in the end, it turns out the lawyer is just an actor, and Miranda Nickleby is doing a scam we don't even understand yet. (But given that Paul was "lost at sea" during a fishing trip, and this is a singularly uncreative soapy-soap, I'm guessing there are some key things we don't know yet.)
Savannah tells the girls she's pregnant, and after a second they realize how this could be a problem. But then immediately they all start talking about how it's so sad for Harry, even though Harry has no idea what's going on, because when you have a bunch of women in a room with no man to guide the conversation, the conversation naturally turns to discussing what a man would think if he were there.*
Eventually Savannah steals the disposable head of Harry's razor so she can get a paternity test, but the tortured route the episode takes to get us there is only half as bizarre as the way the rest of her law firm watches -- in awe -- as she continues to torpedo her career in every single way she can think of, starting with stalling a walk-in gyno visit just long enough to get Dominic back in the first chair on the Sullivan divorce, which even he thinks is pathetic even though she didn't do it remotely for him.
*("Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking 'Where's Poochie?'")
Stupid-ass Karen finds Sam Grey's wallet in her car from his DUI, and although she does very smartly try to stick it in his mailbox, the only solid choice she has ever made, the universe has bigger plans, and before you know it he is cooking them both dinner in her former love nest with his father, and they are reaching for the same glass at the same time, and he's teaching her to use a pottery wheel while the Righteous Brothers play.
It's not only because Sam Grey is hot as hell that I say this, but you have to consider that he has no idea what was going on with Karen: He just saw his dead dad's therapist and was like, "I would like to sleep with that hot lady," and this has naturally led to him leaving Brown and becoming a shitty photographer dilettante, and possibly to stalking. So while she keeps ending up in his arms and then screaming at him to stop having arms, he's relatively blameless.
It would be a lot worse if he knew his dad hooked up with her, because then it's like they're both trying to get to him by boning each other. As it is, only Karen is doing that. Points for not kissing back, I guess, but something tells me you're going to "end up" back in that apartment before next week's first commercial break. (This is by far my favorite storyline, because they are making us work for it. April's getting juicy and Savi's just fun to watch, but the sexy slow-motion car wreck that is Karen Kim has it all.)
And what about Josslyn? Oh, Joss, you know, some people are so transparent it's like they're not just wearing their bullshit on their sleeves, it's like all they are is sleeves. Sally interrupts her wife's jogging date with Joss, just at the point they were really starting to shit-talk her, problem, and then takes a private moment to make it very clear that she's not really buying a house so much as giving Joss to Shannyn Sossamon as a toy to play with, problem, so she'll stop demanding to be treated like a person. Problem.
Joss's response is that she needs to break them up immediately, problem, but doesn't actively do anything to put this gross plan into motion: Just accompanies Alex to a lesbian jewelry party where all it is, is lesbians, which is exciting to her because she's never made an ass of herself in that specific environment, and then gets defensive when some scary-face lesbian starts hitting on Alex, so she pretends to be her girlfriend -- problem -- and plants one on her -- problem -- and then Alex runs away.
I don't know about you, but I like to know what I'm doing. Like, it's better for you and it's better for your agenda if you can recognize what your agenda is. And people who go around doing things with an obvious agenda, but do not themselves understand the agenda, are the scariest fucking people on the planet, and the reason for that is, the rest of us don't factor in so hard that it doesn't matter if we see it or we don't. So what if you see me working my relationship-deadening voodoo? You go away when I close my eyes anyway! And that's Joss.
So after all this, her many buried landmines and secret dog-whistles and party-kisses detonate, right on fucking time, and before you know it Alex has shown up on her doorstep, soaked to the skin, talking some shit about her self-respect and how she needs to leave Sally for good. And Joss is like, "What? Sleep in my bed, I'll make you breakfast, I had no idea any of this was going on" and the most fucking chilling part is, She truly did not. That is some Jenny Schechter-level shit.
Next Week: Joss is surprised that Alex sticks around, is surprised that Alex joins her in the shower, is surprised that they make out, is surprised that they are suddenly lesbians, dating. All of these things come as a surprise to her, because she is a psychopath. April finally hooks up with Hot Dad Richard, meaning I guess she jumps through whatever hoops he needs her to jump through so he stays in control. Savannah thinks about telling her husband any of the three urgent things she needs to tell him, but probably only tells him one of the things, at most. Who are we missing? Karen. Maybe literally, maybe she finally gets Sam Grey to murder her like she wants. Or they hook up, which would be even better. Rootin' for those kids.
Karen left her shit all over dead Tom's love nest, so naturally his son took it straight to his mom, which Karen knows about because she is constant contact with him because she is a trainwreck. April's dead husband's second family showed up begging for money, and her hot boyfriend dumped her for having problems. Savannah is still freaking out about her one-night stand but has yet to take a single proactive step to regain control of her life, while her sister Joss is merrily ruining a lesbian marriage for no other reason than that she is a sloppy crazy person.
SAVANNAH'S KITCHEN, ACTUAL
Harry: "Hey, it's my favorite drunk mess of a sister-in-law slash permanent houseguest."
Joss: "That's... Fair. I am not currently drunk this morning, though."
Harry: "Why are you dressed like a Zumba instructor? Who is this to sleep with?"
Joss: "I am going hiking with Alex!"
Harry: "The lesbian?"
Joss: "I don't see race. Don't be offensive."
Harry: "That wasn't actually offensive. You acting like it's offensive is offensive, insofar as it demonstrates your state of mind here."
Joss: "She's not my lesbian, she's just my best friend all of a sudden."
Harry: "Have you ever had a female friend before?"
Joss: "What about Karen and April?"
Harry: "They're Savannah's friends. You are grandfathered."
Joss: "Oh, then no. One more red flag of how I am a monster."
Harry: "As long as you're aware."
Joss: "You are the fucking worst. Where is my sister?"
Harry: "At a mysterious 'meeting.' I have no further information because I did not request it because I do not care because I hate my wife."
DOCTOR No. 1
Doctor: "Congratulations! You're having a baby!"
Savi: "Aw, shit."
Doctor: "You have been treading my last nerve for six months about this, now you're rethinking? God, you people."
Savi: "I am just processing my options."
Doctor: "Here are some prenatal prescriptions, and also I need to get full medical histories for both of your families."
Savi: "Both of who?"
Doctor: "You and the father of your child, your husband Harry."
Savi: "Right, right. Good ol' Harry, fathering my child and all."
April: "Humblebrag about how I'm the 'most stunning woman' Richard's ever met, followed by oddly worded complaint about how he is 'terrified of my package,' i.e. my husband's bastard he doesn't know about, which quote is 'sadly not a euphemism.'"