Have you ever met a rich lady with lots of problems? Now you can! You can meet four of them.
Three of them are pretty awesome and one of them is absolutely terrible, but they all have one thing in common: Friendship. Wait, two things: Friendship, and a penchant for making the worst possible choice you can make in any given circumstance.
The best one is Savannah "Savi" Davis, who is a lawyer at a successful firm whose chef husband Harry is kind of obsessing on their fertility issues. When they find out his sperm have like a hundred problems, he sort of loses it and starts treating her really crappy, so after her many attempts to be romantic and darling are brutally rebuffed, she finally gives in to her work-husband Dominic and they do it on a desk. Even still, she is pretty rad. (This is the Alyssa Milano one.)
The second-best one -- but the front-runner by a mile in terms of making ridiculously shitty decisions at all times during her waking life -- is Karen Kim, who is a licensed therapist somehow. Her deal is, she had a therapy patient who figured out some things all at once, six weeks ago. The first one was that he was going to die of lung cancer in six weeks. The second one is that he was in love with his therapist, which is a thing called "transference" that is very normal in the therapist/client relationship.
What is not normal usually is when the therapist says "okay" and then starts fucking the client and then gives the client killer doses of morphine and then lies to the whole family about everything that has happened and then allows herself to be courted by his troubled teenage son. Karen takes this less-traveled path -- despite Savi telling her eleven times that she is going to go to jail forever and will never be a therapist again, due to breaking every single rule of being a therapist -- and in the end, might also be implicated in an insurance lawsuit because of the guy's assisted suicide. (This is the lady from Lost, so you can imagine how even as she's doing these awful, ridiculous things you're still kinda rooting for her.)
The weirdest part of this whole thing -- besides what I am about to tell you, which is that there is a ghost! -- is that Karen Kim only gets emotional about her whirlwind affair with her dead client that she helped kill himself and is probably going to hook up with his child when the wife reveals to her that she was the one who actually gave him the death he was craving. She is pissed, okay, that her boyfriend chose his wife to snuff out his candle, because it makes her feel like a mistress, almost like she is on a TV show about just that.
Number three, who I also like very much, is April Malloy. She is an owner of a West Elm kind of store, and her deal is that she is being haunted by a ghost.
I am not making this up. Her storyline is that she has a ghost that calls her on the phone.
Once again, Savi steps up to point out how we live in reality and reality is all around us, and eventually April realizes that maybe it is not a ghost, and so she should stop worrying about being a widow or about ghosts and start worrying about dating the incredibly charming and adorable Richard, who likes to drop by her little store and talk about throw pillows and be stood up for dates by April Malloy.
Also, everybody talks about throw pillows all the time. Nonstop. It's weird.
Once Savi uses her common sense and a private investigator to prove that ghosts are not calling April Malloy on the phone, her problems just get worse: In fact, her dead husband had a secret family! Not a ghost family, just a regular one. What a rollercoaster for April Malloy! First ghosts, then a date, then a secret family.
They are all friends and they are all very supportive of each other's horrible decision-making procedures, which is a mixed bag if you think about it. That's why I try to be as judgmental as possible with the people that I love, so they will make better choices. I would be friends with those three ladies, for sure. But not number four. Not Joss, who is just sloppy.
Joss, who is Savi's younger sister, who lives in her poolhouse, who is just a bloody car crash of a person: She sleeps with her bosses, she sleeps with her clients. Maybe you, maybe she slept with you, I don't know. Hide your throw pillows! Hide your kids! Hide your wife! Oh yes, because she also sleeps with lesbians' wives. In this case it's understandable because it's Shannyyynnn Sosssahossammon, who brought eyebrows to the party in a big way this time but whose hair is a normal human color of hair, which I have never seen on her. Don't do it, girl! Joss will take us all down with her!
All in all, what a wonderful world these ladies live in, where nothing has to make sense and you can just do whatever horrible self-endangering shit you feel like doing and your friends will still support you and advise you about throw pillows.
Next Week: Karen is like, "As a licensed therapist, I think you should not tell your husband you cheated on him with your work-husband lawyer Dominic. As a person on this show, I suggest that you film yourself cheating on him and just leave the tape around wherever. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sleep with everybody in my dead boyfriend's family real quick." April is like, "As a recently haunted woman whose ghostly husband was a secret polygamist, I feel free to yell at Savi for cheating." And Joss is like, "I haven't slept with Shannyn Sossamon yet? What the hell kind of free spirit does that?" and then she immediately sleeps with Shannyn Sossamon.
SIX WEEKS AGO
Savannah Davis strides up to a hotel's outside bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. She is beautiful, put-together, the whole thing. She speaks to a blandly handsome man named Harry, who has an accent, and they flirt for a while -- "Where's your wedding ring? Put it on! Mrrrowww!" -- before heading upstairs. It starts out hot and heavy, Santigold playing, the whole thing, but in case you were wondering...
Harry: "Hang on, hang on. Wait wait just wait wait wait wait."
Savi: "Ugh, what."
Harry: "I should probably be on top."
Savi: "This is a metaphor about our marriage?"
Harry: "No. Yes, but no. It's because this way, more of my semen will end up in the ampulla of your uterine tube, where it belongs."
Savi: "Heterosexuality. God, how do we even go through with it?"
They have awkward sad fertility sex, but they both know this time is not it. Savannah is by far the best one out of this parade of dorks, but her husband is by far the worst, so it cancels out.
I have this rule where if you feel the need to pretend I'm not me when we have sex, guess what: We are not having sex, ever again. Problem fuckin' solved.
(Josslyn, Savannah's sister, is just having sex this entire time with her boss, but we never see either of their faces, so it's just this weird overlay of random desk sex -- staplers, mousepads, fucking fucking fucking -- that intrudes on the overall narrative while we meet the other three ladies.)
April Malloy, who is disturbed to hear a man's very deep voice going oh baby over and over in her home furnishings boutique. Eventually she wanders over to a customer who is giving her the boss eye, and asks if he is saying "oh baby" over and over and if so, why.
Customer: "It isn't me -- it's our sex app, Shaggr. It's like Grindr, for straight people who don't understand anything about the world or how it works or why there is Grindr."
April: "Wait, I have this sex app? I thought straight Grindr was just called being a person."
Customer: "It would explain why your pants keep saying oh baby."
April's Pants: "oh baby oh baby oh baby"
April: "Wait, so now what?"
Customer: "Now we have anonymous sex. It's the nineties, after all."
April: "I am a 9/11 widow or something, I can't do that. But I would love to show you to some bedding or other purchases you might make in this store you are in."