After Karen gives Harry some of her patented "advice," he decides that simply waiting for the paternity results and making an informed decision as a couple is not how he wants to do things: He'd rather issue an ultimatum the day before they arrive, stating that if the baby is not his, Savannah will be aborting it, or else she can say goodbye to all the wonderful qualities he brings to their marriage. Savannah is so cowed by this horror that when they do arrive, she hides them in her desk and locks it.
Luckily, she and Joss have bonded over April's shocking news about her undead husband, so Joss can slap her out of that next week. Assuming she's still alive after this week's simultaneously beautiful and frightening sequence of events. Joss and Alex (best friends, roomies) run into Alex's ex -- now dating Lydia Hearst -- which sends her into such a spiral that Joss's only recourse is a pity fuck.
Next day, Alex decides that she's in love with Joss and therefore Joss needs to move out and never speak to her again, which breaks Joss's heart into some very hard-to-watch, sad pieces. But then Olivier -- ! -- tells her not to give up on the friendship, which travels through the crazy filter that lives in Joss's ears and comes out being that now she and Alex are suddenly going to be lesbians together.
So yeah, both Carver sisters doing some amazing acrobatics this week to avoid being without the person they love. And in both cases, you totally feel them. Joss is like, one of the best characters on TV. It feels so weird to say that but it's true. Alex too, but that's to be expected.
April fuckin' rules it like usual: After Paul explains that he faked his death to be with Miranda but that he broke cover and came to LA to warn her about Miranda's scam, she sets up this awesome double-blind sting where she summons Paul to her shop in the middle of giving Miranda all her money, to see what Miranda says when she sees Paul. "Why are you interrupting my scam!?" is the answer we were looking for -- rather than "How can you be alive?," which would be the in-character response -- so April snatches that check out of Miranda's hand like a boss, rips it into a million pieces, and tells them both to go straight to hell. Attagirl.
And oh, Karen Kim, Karen Kim. When Sam Grey turns up as a patient of her partner Dr. Lerner, she decides she's had enough of his stalking, and encourages him to stalk her more because that's how Karen Kim operates. But he tells her that he loves her and that all his stalking is just normal courtship, and then Lerner tells her that Sam is going crazy and she needs to call the Widow Grey back from Italy. Over at their house, Elizabeth waits a minute before turning into flaming ice diamonds and yells at Karen -- and an offscreen Sam, turns out -- all about Karen's whole affair with Tom! Hopefully shoving Sam off the ledge entirely, but definitely leading toward Karen's eventual murder. It's fabulous, the whole thing is fabulous, and Sam's finally back.
Next Week: Joss gets Savi to open the results, hopefully. I'm sure we'll get a bunch of lesbian jokes about being a lesbian, which should be a fairly awful experience. Karen Kim gets a subpoena and possibly shot in the head. Sam goes around being all amazing. Paul maybe comes back after April for love reasons, or maybe because the scam is still happening and we don't know it yet. Savi thinks about fucking Dominic and Harry moves out, presumably to a place where he can smash things and holler and act like a big old shitty baby like always.
Karen indulged Sam Grey's crush on her because he is amazing, but maybe he's crazy now because of it, which makes him less so. (Just kidding, it makes him even awesomer.) Mean Sally told Joss that she is playing with Alex's heart, which Joss lied and said wasn't true, but as Alex continues to get more and more fantastic, maybe it is turning a U-turn on everybody that only Sally could see coming. April's ghost husband has come back to the land of the living, but notably only after she's signed away a fifth of her business to his prehumous mistress, the devilish Miranda Nickleby. And Savannah told her two lovers just enough information to make them fight... but not enough to murder or divorce her, no matter how hard she tries.
April: "Get out of here, fell fiend! Imposter! Shapeshifter!"
Paul: "None of those things are real things. I'm just Paul."
April: "Next time call me on the ghost-phone before you come over, you dang ghost!"
Paul: "April I'm not a ghost, though. It was pretend. Look, listen, be realistic."
April: "I don't get what you're saying. I don't understand it."
April: "What's that? Lucy threw up in her carpool? That's very important."
Paul: "Hello, your dead husband after three years just..."
April: "Yeah, I don't really have time for that right now. Lucy threw up, so."
She pours salt around him in a circle and it has no effect; she comes at him with cold iron and he deflects the blow. He is like no ghost she has ever battled. Eventually he bounces, because he forgot how April rolls and it is kind of a mindblowing display.
Paul: "I'm going to text you my number. It is a regular phone, not a ghost one. Know why? Because I'm not a ghost, I'm not dead. I faked my drowning. Do you copy?"
April: "Fuckin' ghosts! I oughta sell my house, that's what I should do."
Paul: "Okay I guess we can circle back around to it. Just stick a pin in it. In me."
Harry: "You look nice today in the middle of the day instead of being at work."
Savi: "I know, because I always look nice, because I'm fabulous. Also, I don't ever go to work. Also, I have my six-week checkup on this baby growing inside me. Um hey, this is a weird question, but..."
Harry: "Remind me, is six weeks where you find out if you're having a black baby?"