Hate! We open with a mother and son sitting in a back yard. The son leans over and gives his mom a kiss on the cheek and she grabs his face and pulls him to her, saying in the Yenta-est of voices, "That's such a kiss!" as she plants one on his face. Cut to a tanner, better looking son and his mom, who's intoning "I love him SO much!" with a Michigander accent to beat the band, and then flash to a third mother-son duo as the unmistakable Guy Smiley voice of Ryan Seacrest gives us some backstory: "Every mother dreams her son will find true love and live happily ever after." More scenes of the moms fawning over their boys. Then we get the requisite shot of an army of bimbettes walking through the wrought-iron gates of some McMansion in Cali as YentaMom squawks, "Thirty-two women gushing over my Rob. Ugh! It makes me verklempt!" Seriously she said that. She's like the real life Linda Richman, real talk. Back to Ryan: "But not every mom gets the chance to help." More shots of the moms helping their sons get dressed, hugging them goodbye, exchanging pleasantries. "Now, for the first time, mom will get to be there every step of the way, living in a house with the women who want to ... date their boys. We see the three moms mingling with the assembled statuesque bimbettes in the McMansion and I think we can all see where this is going. Why do I suddenly feel like I'm about to witness a low-rent SoCal staging of Oedipus Rex? Vomitation.
The third and least annoying-seeming mom blathers a bit about how wonderful it would be to see her son settled down and how she would like to help him find the perfect girl. Clearly she has never seen Monster In Law. Or any of the Greek tragedies. More Ryan: "Thirty-two women. Three self-proclaimed momma's boys their moms all at this romantic cliffside estate in Santa Barbara, California.. It was the makings of a perfect fairytale. But ultimately this is what happened when mom moved in." All of a sudden the music gets all Mission Impossible and we see a strategic floor plan of the mansion that gives way to scenes of ho's crying, the Michigander Mom telling some person offscreen to kiss her ass and warning some other ho not to ever put her lips on her son, a random hoochie clutching her weave and sobbing and various other clips meant to impart that all manner of DRAMA went down. Thumbs up on the editing!
RyRy then tells us that to make the experience more "authentic," all types of ladies are represented in the house, including the kinds of girls moms usually don't mind their sons dating -- doctors, lawyers, Amish people -- and chicks who are the opposite of that (professional-typed hoochies, people with acid reflux, and convicted felons). Subtlety really isn't the name of the game here, is it? To hammer home the point, some blonde tanorexic lady assures us at home that the guys on the show are not gonna listen to what their moms are telling them because, as she eloquently states, "they'll be too busy looking at my boobs." Boobs! Never not funny. Then some elfin blonde starts yammering about how important it is to have fancy shoes that match your lingerie. Truer words were never spoken! RyRy gets all Levi-Strauss on us and reveals that -- shocker of all shockers -- moms' ideas of who their sons should date and their own ideas of who they should date are often at odds. You don't say! Then we get some screen text to aid in our understanding of the premise of this show. "A mother's wishes" often clash with "A son's desire." Thanks, we get it now!