Momma's Boy Premiere

by Lauren Gitlin December 17, 2008
Winter Pilot Season: Momma’s Boys

Then it's opening credits, with all three of the dudes making out with an assortment of the tramps to the swelling chords of my arch nemesis Katy Perry's hit single "Hot and Cold" (just try to get that damned thing out of your head. I dare you!). And RyRy drops another truth bomb, saying that it is not easy to fall in love (read: get a beej) with mom looking over your shoulder. Cue one of the sons making out with a chick in the (also requisite) hot tub until his mom invites herself in for a dip and totally c*&k-blocks him, making him feel sad and frustrated (read: get blue-balls). Excuse me, dude? Did you not sign up to be on this show where your mom lives in a house with a bunch of chicks that you want to screw? Said mom corners her boy in the bathroom, telling him that she knows who's been naughty in nice in the house, and he counters by asking if any girl is ever gonna be good enough for him by her standards. Again, do you know what this show is about? You are fired!

Now we come to the real dramatic catalyst of the show. Get ready, cuz it's big! In the midst of it all, RyRy tells us, is one mom with some very backwards ideas about the world. Said mom is Michigander Hot Tub lady, who informs the camera that she "can't have a Black one, I can't have an Asian one, I can't have a fat-butt girl" and goes on listing all the girls that she can't have dating her precious young son, including Jews, whom she says she hates and can't handle. Wow, this lady is totally harshing my mellow. She's like the opposite of a Sir Mix-A-Lot song. She also informs us that she wants someone who's perfect and petite and does what she tells her to. We get some justifiably horrified reactions from the diverse gathering of girls who are watching her say this on her audition tape and then a girl THs "Bitch are you crazy?" Well put. RyRy assures us that those beliefs are about to be pooed on, and then we see her up in the air in a helicopter (they really pulled out all the stops, didn't they) watching intently as her son makes out with a black girl in that damned hot tub. Heaven forbid! She promptly freaks the hell out and literally literally THs that she's gonna "strangle his balls." I for one did not need that visual. Thanks!

Then there's more swelling music, people landing in water planes, more ho's crying etc. Whoever's in charge of these little montages should win some sort of prize. The prize of getting murdered by me. RyRy exposits that everyone's lives are gonna change forever and some other trite baloney, and we see the hottest son, some blonde surfer-looking dude, totally making out with the lady who said she was a Penthouse Pet -- scandal part deux -- while elsewhere the son who's mom is the evil bigot assures her that he will never put a girl before her. Dingdingding! You lose! You do not collect $500. You do not score long-term poon. You go directly back to Michigan to live in your mom's basement! Then we're told that this show is a test of a question older than time (cue helpful screen text prompts): "What do I want?" Vs "What does my mom want?" Ryan dramatically asks who should really be the most important woman in any man's life. I think I can answer that Ryan! The one who lets you have sexytime with her. Which I'm really hoping immediately discounts all of these insanely annoying, meddlesome matriarchs.

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